string of bad luck?

someone asked me today if i was ok. i answered "more or less". generally, i am a chipper girl. this eve i was feeling particularly sorry for myself for some reason i will chalk up to hormones or something chick related.

things can't get much worse than the last 6 months, so i guess they must have to get better! :)

now, as anyone who knows me would tell you, i am not a negative/pessamistic person. i am a cheerleader by nature, peppy and overall happy. situations lately have...well...basically sucked.

i am merely relaying the information, as to make sense of the events which have unfolded, no to complain or bitch or get sympathy. i am by no means destitute or hard off. just a little setbacks, that's all. i will attempt to see some positives from this so-called "bad luck", since by virtue of my nickname "LUCKY" my life can't be that bad, right?

what has happened the last 6 months that has been sucky?

first off in the financial arena- i shut down my business, used up all my savings, have yet to find a great job i had hoped for and am pretty much brokity broke broke. downside: can't afford the lifestyle i was used to in san francisco (living alone, able to buy nice things, go out often, etc). upside: the forced time off has made me reevaluate my priorities with my career. i took a lower paying position where at least money is coming in & i get to work with some fun people.

next, i broke my ankle end of last year causing me to be unable to run, resulting in a weight gain that is really pissing me off. i like taking care of myself and it feels like it has prevented me from doing so. it is now healed so i am struggling to reverse the damage currently. downside: bigger pants, having to start my training program from the begining. upside: learning to take things slower and not pressure myself for instant results.

i have lost contact w/one of my best friends from SF. he was a huge part of my life (as you remember from prior posts i was totally ga-ga over him). now, we hardly talk and it's forced at best. too much weird emotional crap to keep in each others' lives right now. who knows if it will ever change. downside: lost a best friend who was a huge part of my life. upside: lesson is don't sleep with your friends!!!

i have yet to find a place to live, so i am stuck here in the boonies at my mom's place. i don't know what the holdup is, i just haven't found something i like. i don't know where i want to live (meaning like where in the country) so i've been dragging my feet. the lack of steady job has made me scared to make a commitment to a living situation. i guess i'll pick somewhere around here, i can always change my mind (and most likely i am going to). downside: zero game due to staying at my mom's, stress of dealing with her mental illness & alcoholism, living in the middle of nowhere, be entirely devoid of any independent feelings i worked so hard to get in SF. upside: free rent, mom is a form of birth control, motivation to build up my business again & be 100%independent. (i will reign again!!!)

all in all, i see events are neutral. it's your interpretation that determines your reality. i am going to force myself to look at the upsides of these seemingly shitty events as of late. time to get my ass in gear. or in a higher gear, i should say.

-lucky

confessions serve only one purpose

TO MAKE THE CONFESSOR FEEL BETTER!!

i repeat- you confess some deep dark secret that should have stayed where it was, the idea is completely self-serving & selfish. the other person feels worse & you feel better. where is the logic in that?!

the person with the secret to purge should be forced to hold it in until the explode, not just verbally vomit on the confessee until their well-deserved burdon is lifted.

case in point- some dumbass that i went out with last year. the details escape me regarding our situation. he was not my type, but he was alright. no big sparks, no real chemistry. out of our approx. 2 months of going out i think i only slept with him once, maybe twice- i can't remember. looking back i always found that odd that he never really initiated. but, this evening i come to find out why.

backround info: i hadn't talked to this guy in about 6 months. things fizzled out, he went to work out of town for a while. we both moved. no big deal, no great loss. ambivalent is a good description of me.

he calls tonight to spill his guilty guts. he says he just broke up w/his finace. i tell him i'm sorry. i said how long had you guys been dating. he said two years.

my brain quickly did the math while i waited for his explaination. yep, that overlapped with our brief encounter. he just said sorry and that he had felt really guilty for that.

they say hindsight is 20/20 and this case is no exception. looking back, he did display some weird behaviors that i just attributed to the transitional state of his life. i never did see his place, he always came to mine. ya, he probably was living with her. we didn't really go out on the weekends, but i was going out w/other guys (note- we were not even close to being exclusive or serious or even bf/gf) and led a busy life.

all of this comes back to the point of his confession. his dumb secret had been eating him up inside so he decides to spew it on me. i end up feeling a little ick (not super big deal ick, just kinda) and he feels a lifted weight from his shoulders. thanks, buddy. he wanted a 'get out of jail free' card, if he "came clean" or "was clear and honest" with me, i would excuse his behavior and then what? sleeping with him? be buddies? go on and drift back into oblivion? who cares?!

i guess i should give him some tiny shred of credit for attempting to apologize and clear the slate. ok, we can make nice. even though i was never really mad in the first place. is that what i do? he said sorry, he said he felt horrible if he hurt me or made things weird or confusing. i said ok, i wasn't mad or hurt and i hoped he gets what he wants in life.

if it were anyone i was serious about i think it would have hit me a little harder. if it was a relationship i had anything invested in, i would be a little more pissed perhaps. but because it was so casual to me (and i was pretty much in love w/s) that i can take it in stride and not have it affect me.

what to make of this news? do i become more jaded about the "single" guys i am meeting? do i chalk it up to nothing more that wrong timing or poor judgement? for now i will let it sit in my brain fodder folder for a later date. a later date that i actually give a shit.