starving masochist no more

today is my birthday. that fact is irrelevant, really. the more important fact is that i am still single. still single at age 31. i would have loved to confess i am a year wiser, but it is looking like that is not the case.

for some reason i like to torture myself. i am a masochist. i let men treat me badly, and i go back for more. i act like a hungry puppy, begging for scraps. i am not discriminate...i will take any scraps of affection thrown my way. even from guys who i know deep down are not worth my trouble.

AM was definitely not worth my trouble. was i that starved i forgot what feeling full felt like? i would take his scraps of nothing and let it tide me over until the next time he decided to see me.

i was trying to break things off for months now, only to get dismissed everytime the subject came up. i was told i was "overreacting" or that "everything's fine". no, it wasn't fine. and no, i wasn't overreacting. i just couldn't do it. i couldn't be that girl he thought of as "just good for sex".

i haven't seen him in about a month, and that was the loud and clear message. not that i contacted him either. i have too much pride. i wanted to, believe me. i wanted to yell at him for failing me...for not giving me what i need...for just being a coward and not talking to me when he *knew* i was going to bring up something unpleasant.

so i get an IM this morning saying happy birthday. super, the only person on the planet to remember was the last person i wanted to talk to. somehow the subject went to him blowing me off again and now coming around b/c it was my b-day.

he got defensive and made it seem like i was overreacting. gave me the old chestnut comment "we weren't bf/gf, sorry you thought it was more". that comment felt like a slap across the face. that comment is for chicks you think are digusting skanks. that comment isn't even good enough for someone you consider a friend.

it never was the fact we were fucking. i generally can seperate that. i can fuck w/o feelings (kinda sad, huh?). i did have a little bit of feelings for him (more towards the caring side than passionate), but i knew rationally we would make a horrible couple. he was too boring/wimpy/rigid, i am too hyper/ambitious/strong. it came down to the fact that he did not treat me like a friend. he treated me like some disposable chick that he didn't care about.

when i brought this up, he tried to rationalize it by saying "friends sometimes don't talk to each other for weeks". um, not my friends. and when you make plans with someone and just don't show up or call, that crosses the line.

the convo ended with him blaming me for not bringing up the topic and me telling him to fuck off since he apparently isn't my friend anyway. friends don't treat each other that way.

this is why i don't bring things like this up with guys. this is why i choose to just stop calling. this is why i'm single...because i accept this shitty treatment. i let AM treat me this way, i let PF treat me this way, i've let SO many guys treat me this way...i'm hurt and embarassed to admit that.

i have been slowly weeding out from my life people who don't treat me like i deserve. i realized i need to do this for my own mental sanity. i cannot allow negative energy into my life if i want to be happy and successful.

i have accepted the fact that my mother will never change and will always treat me with disrespect and abuse if given the chance. she was the first to go. she has called me several times, i don't answer. it feels great to be strong enough to not call her, to not allow her to poison my thoughts with feelings of inadaquacies.

now, AM has to go. but i've known that for a little while now. it just took the wake-up call today to solidify it. i thought maybe we could be friends, maybe things would be ok. nope, life is not a chick flick.

for my b-day resolution i will continue to weed out the people who treat me shitty & work on finding more people to add to my life who actually give a shit.