revisiting the past

i stand here in front of my computer, bloody mary in hand, rereading blogs from last year. i feel like i at least have made some progress in the time that has elapsed since '06.

then i came across the one i wrote about the first night i met bf last september. my eyes welled up with tears. i had so much hope for things. i did not see any signs that told me to turn around & do not pass go, do not collect $200. all i saw was a guy i dubbed "the coolest guy ever" because he was weird enough to find my pervy sence of humor funny rather than odd. he put a condom in a b of a deposit box, which immediately won him a place in my heart. he was a nice change from all the stuffy boring guys i had gone out with in the past.

he was punky, tattooed, moody, dark...everything that my previous bfs were not. i think that was what drew me in in the first place. he was someone with whom i felt challenged with, and who could make me fall down laughing. he was perfect for what i needed at the time.

i had so much hope and excitement about bf back then, now i just have pain.

fuck, my heart hurts. funny thing is, he seems so distant to me the last month that i wonder if he even is still sad about us. it almost feels like he didn't feel anything. like he just shut me out of his life without any thought at all.

why am i crying? i don't know. i hate to admit it, but fuck- i'm sensitve sometimes!!! i miss him. i'm hurting. i miss the stuff we did together. i miss...i don't know, i miss what i thought i had. but i think it was more in my head than i want to admit. i don't know how much he loved me vs. how much i *wanted* him to love me.

why do i even care at this point? who the fuck knows. yet, i still do. some little part of me still does care if he's thinking about me, or misses me, or is sad.

i have not spoken to him since we broke up, which seems so long ago and sometimes seems like yesterday. i keep telling myself the pain will subside over time. sometimes i actually believe it.