on my own again

i guess it was inevitable. i guess the short term fix was too good to be true. i guess i'm on my own again. ugh. i spent the last 9 months in a relationship, i started to get used to being someone's gf. now i am just me.

bf had told me last week he was moving next year (and NOT inviting me). he made it pretty clear, without words, that i didn't have a place in his life. his actions spoke so loudly i cannot believe i didn't hear it. his behavior was quite simple- i was not important in his life, i did not matter, there was no future with me.

i had made a decision that i needed to eliminate everything in my life that is not congruent with my ideal life. first task, i needed to do something about my relationship...or what i *called* a relationship. the complaining, negativity and ever present anger where not something i could deal with from a partner. it was bad.

it had gotten so bad in fact, that just earlier this week i was in tears due to the brash treatment i got from bf. when i told him i'm not dealing with that any more, he just brushed me off saying he had to go to work. that night, i talked to him about it, saying i would not accept that treatment again. he jsut said sorry, and he didn't even realize how he was acting. in the back of my mind, i knew he wouldn't change. my stomach sank.

then later on in the week, we went out & had a great time. he acted loving and sweet. was i just being paranoid? should i keep trying to fix this relationship? maybe. but then i came to reality. my heart was breaking before i even made a conscious decision.

i went over to bf's house last night, with the intent to break things off. i knew deep down that things were never going to change, as much as i wished they would. things were weird, i felt it coming. i couldn't even get into the sex. i had to stop in the middle & blurt out what i had on my mind.

"i am concerned about you moving", i said as i held my breath for what i figured was inevitable.

he explained how he felt himself pulling away, since we were just going to break up when he moved anyway.

i let it all out, since i figured i had nothing to lose anyway. i bawled as i told him how shitty he treated me, how much he hurt me, how all the little things added up to making me feel like junk, how him never telling me he loved me ripped my heart out. he just sat there saying "i know, i'm sorry". i guess he had no excuse. that is how he is.

my feelings alternated between wanting to hug him & wanting to punch him. can i fault him for not giving me what he doesn't have? can i expect him to treat me in a way that he never experienced? i don't know. i go back & forth. if he isn't capable of loving me & being close to me, can i really be angry about that?

i am not sure if i am justified, but now i do feel angry.

for some reason i have my rose-colored glasses GLUED on my face so tightly i can't see the true nature of someone i love. looking back, my bf actually was a jerk! he didn't treat me like i deserve. i was a great gf & did not get the same treatment in return. ouch. ripping off those glasses HURT!

i just have to pick myself up, dust myself off & go forward. hopefully there is a guy out there that will be able to give me what bf never could- his heart.