pride or self-preservation?

i haven't talked to bf since we split up. i just don't know what to say. i think it hurts too much to talk to him right now.

he called on my b-day, i didn't answer. i wasn't angry, just sad. i figured it would have just hurt to talk to him.

it kind of hit me last night when i was walking home drunkity from a night out...i really miss him. i was THIS CLOSE to calling him to let him know just that. THIS CLOSE. damn that vodka!!!

this afternoon, i saw his bulliten for his upcoming show (he's in a band). my heart hurt a little knowing i would not be attending. i have no need to be the supportive gf at the show. don't get me wrong, i actually really loved going. but now, i have no reason to go. i don't even know if he would want me there. i'm sad about that.

do i really want to email him? call him? see him? or am i just lonely?

is it pride that causes me not to contact him? i am a stubborn girl, i can hold out 'till the end of the earth if i'm motivated enough. is it pride? not sure.

or is it better for me to avoid seeing him? am i strong enough to see him & not want to get back together with him? it is so hard to be clear headed with love. things obviously weren't working, but i'm so fucking optimistic i always think there are solutions to problems that are better left unsolved.

is it really the best thing that i keep my distance? am i saving myself further heartache by just being strong and moving on?

fuck, i really miss him.