ouch says my heart
it's been a few hours since the bf & i offically ended things. now i will admit i am two sheets to the wind at the moment (negro modelo and xanax are my buddies this evening), so who the fuck knows what the hell i'm saying. ugh, stuff just sucks ass right now. i seriously don't know if i have the strength to go through heartbreak again. (i guess i have no choice, huh?) ha, ya that's what i thought 7 months ago when i first felt the twinge of ga-ga over the bf (for lack of a better term, i will still call him bf in the next blog or two) yet i still soldiered on into almost certain heartache. "run away", i told myself. but i don't listen to myself, obviously. i had a gross feeling that things were doomed from the start with us but i overlooked it because he was such a cool guy & i really wanted a bf. stupid girl.
i've been feeling it for a couple months now. slowly things started to fall apart. i knew i didn't like to have to remind my bf to tell me he loved me & i knew things sucked when i had to convince myself that i was asking too much for him to tell me i was special... i just figured things would change. for fuck's sake- i even COUNTED the days between him telling me he loved me. jesus- what a mess! i even gave him little time-lines in my head...ok, if he doesn't shape up in the next week, i'm out. ya right. i'm a fucking glutton for punishment, i'll stay even when i tell myself i'm leaving.
sometimes i feel somehow responsible for the bf falling out of love with me. things were great, super great even. then he realized how much of a mess i am...then things changed. he said he thought i was flakey (which i am) and me quitting my latest in the string of shitty jobs was the straw that broke the camel's back. he didn't think things would ever change with us. it kills me. i should have hidden more of who i am.
who am i kidding? he is flawed, and contributed just as much dysfunction to the relationship as i did. i just never had the guts to express my thoughts of us splitting up.
seeing him cry made my heart ache even more. i hurt someone i love and care deeply about. i caused someone pain. i asked if he was sure, 100% sure, that he wasn't into it any more. the knife twisted. "it's not working for me", he answered. he told me he loved me, kissed my head, and said he doesn't want me to shut him out of my life. i still love him, that's the horrible excrutiating part of the whole clusterfuck. I LOVE this stupid jackass who broke my heart. i love this totally imperfect guy who...who just seemed to make things make sense to me.
jesus christ, committed the cardinal sin of women- i put the guy ahead of all else. why did i do that again? it's so against my nature as an independent girl. fuck! i am sooooo not like that. i almost changed my michigan plans because i thought he was worth it, i passed on invites to things to hang out with him, i did all that stupid girl shit that i chide my gfs for doing. I DID IT ALL! now i'm left in a city i don't want to be in, with no job, no friends and pretty much no direction. god i hate life right now.
but now i will go to bed and hope tomorrow is just a fraction easier than today.
i've been feeling it for a couple months now. slowly things started to fall apart. i knew i didn't like to have to remind my bf to tell me he loved me & i knew things sucked when i had to convince myself that i was asking too much for him to tell me i was special... i just figured things would change. for fuck's sake- i even COUNTED the days between him telling me he loved me. jesus- what a mess! i even gave him little time-lines in my head...ok, if he doesn't shape up in the next week, i'm out. ya right. i'm a fucking glutton for punishment, i'll stay even when i tell myself i'm leaving.
sometimes i feel somehow responsible for the bf falling out of love with me. things were great, super great even. then he realized how much of a mess i am...then things changed. he said he thought i was flakey (which i am) and me quitting my latest in the string of shitty jobs was the straw that broke the camel's back. he didn't think things would ever change with us. it kills me. i should have hidden more of who i am.
who am i kidding? he is flawed, and contributed just as much dysfunction to the relationship as i did. i just never had the guts to express my thoughts of us splitting up.
seeing him cry made my heart ache even more. i hurt someone i love and care deeply about. i caused someone pain. i asked if he was sure, 100% sure, that he wasn't into it any more. the knife twisted. "it's not working for me", he answered. he told me he loved me, kissed my head, and said he doesn't want me to shut him out of my life. i still love him, that's the horrible excrutiating part of the whole clusterfuck. I LOVE this stupid jackass who broke my heart. i love this totally imperfect guy who...who just seemed to make things make sense to me.
jesus christ, committed the cardinal sin of women- i put the guy ahead of all else. why did i do that again? it's so against my nature as an independent girl. fuck! i am sooooo not like that. i almost changed my michigan plans because i thought he was worth it, i passed on invites to things to hang out with him, i did all that stupid girl shit that i chide my gfs for doing. I DID IT ALL! now i'm left in a city i don't want to be in, with no job, no friends and pretty much no direction. god i hate life right now.
but now i will go to bed and hope tomorrow is just a fraction easier than today.
posted by issuegirl at 11:15 PM
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