J back in my life
i have always believed in things happening for a reason, at the exact time it is supposed to happen in your life. although it is hard to deal with it at the time, hindsight has proven this time & time again.
my love life is no exception. looking back i have definitely been with certain men at certain times of my life for certain lessons.
the biggest "certain" was my first love j. we met when we were both 20, dated & lived together until we were 26. six years of life is just way too much to describe in a few phrases. it comes down to this- we split up just due to the plain fact we were way too young & stupid to get married & have kids like we planned. he dropped the breakup bomb on me 3 months before we were to be married.
since a month after i met him, i have loved him. that has never waived. life circumstances blew out my "in love" flame, but he has always held a special place in my heart. i have never had a relationship like him, and was never sure i would. i'd never felt the desire for marriage or children, except with j (sometimes i think i left that desire with him). at the good times, it was the highest high...that ultimately could not be sustained due to youth & immaturity.
the split was ugly, hard, complicated. it was the lat thing either of us wanted but we knew we had to go grow up...apart. i figured i'd never see him again after i moved out.
our communication was few and far between. the first two years phone conversations always ended with me crying. then i moved to the "loathing" phase. i did not want to talk to him, since i felt so betrayed and hurt. not that he hardly attempted to call/email. any attempts on either side was met with an abrupt reply. we didn't talk for a couple years.
i had a dream about him a few weeks ago, in it we had gotten back together after all these years. i wake up & who had emailed me that morning but j. he said he was thinking about me that night & hoped i was doing well. he said i had always be very special to him & he wanted to talk to me. he asked me to please call him.
what? this is the guy who wouldn't talk to me for years. this is the guy who when asked for closure, he brushed me off. this is the guy...well, the guy that broke my heart worse than it had ever been and has ever been broken.
so, with my heart beating so loud i could hardly hear, i made the call.
i recognized the voice immediately. years may have passed but it was a sound i'd never forget.
"i missed you, san", j said sweetly. san. j's nickname for me. no one has since called me that. i don't think i'd want anyone else to.
we talked for over three hours that night. emotions i had long since burried surfuced. i broke the promise to myself that i wouldn't cry.
i felt like i finally got my closure that night. he said all the things i had been waiting to hear for 4 years...he forgave me for all the mean stupid things i did, he's always loved me, he's never loved anyone as much as me, i was the only one he ever wanted to marry or have kids with, he never wanted to break up, he thinks about me all the time.
for the last 4 years i thought the guy i gave my heart & soul to didn't love me, didn't care about me and pretty much forgot all about me. it was such a strange thing to hear that things were not even close to how i thought.
he said he loved me but *couldn't* be with me because we both were too young & needed to go grow up. in truth, i felt the exact same way. he said he never once stopped loving me or wanting to be with me. he said he wasn't married yet (note: his live-in gf just moved out) because he hadn't found anyone as special as i am and as much fun as i am. he said if he ever found a relationship like ours he would get married in a second. but he doubted that any girl would compare to me.
he had followed my adventures over the years (thanks to google & myspace) and said he "missed the fuck out of me" and wanted me to be back in his life. so i agreed that we should meet up "one of these days", i meant with enough time to get my roots touched up, lose 20 lbs, get a nicer apartment and all that other shit that would impress someone.
who knows what the future holds for me & j, but i am so thankful we are talking again. if nothing else, he was my best friend in the world & i have always loved him.
whatever comes out of this will be exactly what is suppossed to happen, i am certain.
my love life is no exception. looking back i have definitely been with certain men at certain times of my life for certain lessons.
the biggest "certain" was my first love j. we met when we were both 20, dated & lived together until we were 26. six years of life is just way too much to describe in a few phrases. it comes down to this- we split up just due to the plain fact we were way too young & stupid to get married & have kids like we planned. he dropped the breakup bomb on me 3 months before we were to be married.
since a month after i met him, i have loved him. that has never waived. life circumstances blew out my "in love" flame, but he has always held a special place in my heart. i have never had a relationship like him, and was never sure i would. i'd never felt the desire for marriage or children, except with j (sometimes i think i left that desire with him). at the good times, it was the highest high...that ultimately could not be sustained due to youth & immaturity.
the split was ugly, hard, complicated. it was the lat thing either of us wanted but we knew we had to go grow up...apart. i figured i'd never see him again after i moved out.
our communication was few and far between. the first two years phone conversations always ended with me crying. then i moved to the "loathing" phase. i did not want to talk to him, since i felt so betrayed and hurt. not that he hardly attempted to call/email. any attempts on either side was met with an abrupt reply. we didn't talk for a couple years.
i had a dream about him a few weeks ago, in it we had gotten back together after all these years. i wake up & who had emailed me that morning but j. he said he was thinking about me that night & hoped i was doing well. he said i had always be very special to him & he wanted to talk to me. he asked me to please call him.
what? this is the guy who wouldn't talk to me for years. this is the guy who when asked for closure, he brushed me off. this is the guy...well, the guy that broke my heart worse than it had ever been and has ever been broken.
so, with my heart beating so loud i could hardly hear, i made the call.
i recognized the voice immediately. years may have passed but it was a sound i'd never forget.
"i missed you, san", j said sweetly. san. j's nickname for me. no one has since called me that. i don't think i'd want anyone else to.
we talked for over three hours that night. emotions i had long since burried surfuced. i broke the promise to myself that i wouldn't cry.
i felt like i finally got my closure that night. he said all the things i had been waiting to hear for 4 years...he forgave me for all the mean stupid things i did, he's always loved me, he's never loved anyone as much as me, i was the only one he ever wanted to marry or have kids with, he never wanted to break up, he thinks about me all the time.
for the last 4 years i thought the guy i gave my heart & soul to didn't love me, didn't care about me and pretty much forgot all about me. it was such a strange thing to hear that things were not even close to how i thought.
he said he loved me but *couldn't* be with me because we both were too young & needed to go grow up. in truth, i felt the exact same way. he said he never once stopped loving me or wanting to be with me. he said he wasn't married yet (note: his live-in gf just moved out) because he hadn't found anyone as special as i am and as much fun as i am. he said if he ever found a relationship like ours he would get married in a second. but he doubted that any girl would compare to me.
he had followed my adventures over the years (thanks to google & myspace) and said he "missed the fuck out of me" and wanted me to be back in his life. so i agreed that we should meet up "one of these days", i meant with enough time to get my roots touched up, lose 20 lbs, get a nicer apartment and all that other shit that would impress someone.
who knows what the future holds for me & j, but i am so thankful we are talking again. if nothing else, he was my best friend in the world & i have always loved him.
whatever comes out of this will be exactly what is suppossed to happen, i am certain.
posted by issuegirl at 9:02 AM
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