a fine line between love and hate

just as the cliche states, it is really true. i would have never expected to have a complete change of heart for S. just a few months ago i was ga-ga over him. the same strength of love for him has completely turned sour and my loathing is equal.

why the harsh feelings for him? simple- he broke my heart.

the really sad thing is that he has no idea. well, i don't think he gets the depth of my hurt from our "relationship". he casually tells me of dates he's gone on, but then laments on how he misses me. it has been 4 months since i left town and not once has he visited and we've spoke on the phone no more than 5 times. our exchanges have been akward at best, distant at worst.

it has just been recently i have been able to admit to myself how hurt i am from this experience. i took a chance on a guy, got hurt. that's life. i have been in denial and thought i was a-ok about everything but it turns out i'm not as tough as i thought.

i am such a wuss. i have attempted to tell him how i feel countless times and i just chicken out. like tonight, for example. i called him up and the second i heard his voice i knew i couldn't. we had small talk for a little bit spotted with weird silences. i clammed up, unable to utter a simple phrase. i sighed, hoping he'd just psychically understand what i was trying to convey. i gave up and just listened to him rattle on about his job (just like old times). part of me wanted to tell him i still had feelings for him, the other half wanted to tell him to fuck off.

just when i think i have it all together, i talk to him. nothing like a man to make me feel like a complete idiot.