am i destined to be the crazy old dog lady?

i'm getting depressed. no, more like sinking into a grey place of dispair and hopelessness. so, ya, i'm bummed. tears well up in my eyes as i type this.

i just called my employees and gave them the day off, because i cannot handle life at the moment.

what the fuck is wrong with me? is it reality or chemical? hard to tell. i cover up my negative feelings so often (to maintain my cheery demeanor) that it's hard to seperate real life from what i "should" be feeling.

part of it stems from my feelings of isolation and loneliness lately. i am craving social interactions, friends, dates, activities and i am just not finding what i'm looking for. am i really looking at all? hard to say. another part is that i've been physically feeling like shit lately. the late work hours, the stress, the lack of eating...have all wrecked havoc on my midsection and energy. blech. it's hard to get motivated when you feel like ass. i need drugs.

nah, i need to jog. i need some friends, something to do. i need a bf.

ew! did i just type that? did miss independant just say she needs a bf? oh man, i actually did say that. and i think i mean it, too. what is with me?

for whatever reason, lately i have been really feeling shitty about being single. a teensy part of that comes from having the most amazing date with the most amzing guy on the planet and then having him blow me off, leaving me to question "what did i do wrong" and "what is wrong with me?". usually i would have brushed it off to it being his loss and moved on to the next victim.

it got me questioning my worth as a potential partner to men. if i can't attract (and keep) the kind of sexy creative smart man i want, what is the problem? where am i failing? WHY am i failing? why does no one see what a gem i am? i'm very success driven, so getting an F in relationships really fucking pisses me off.

i called one of my ex bfs last night. he listened to me cry for an hour about how sad and lonely i was and how i'm so down about being alone. he said something very sweet (once in a while he is good for something)... he said i'm going to always have trouble finding what i was because i am looking for something very specific, i am very special and it will take a very special man to be good enough for me.

i want to believe him, i do. part of me does. the surface part doesn't believe him right now due to all the junk clouding my brain. i just don't *FEEL* like i'm special. i feel like i have this unseen defect that repells men and keeps me solo. i feel like if i was different, THEN i'd find a guy. THEN someone would realize how cool i am.

i just turned 31, so now i'm officially "in my 30s" vs just being 30. that made me start rehashing my life disappointments, failings, letdowns, dreams that never came to fruition. one of the recurring themes was my lack of a partner. i still miss my first bf...we broke up 5 yrs ago. i miss my last bf...we broke up 1 yr ago. i figured some smart guy would have snatched me up by now, realizing the love of his life is just right there in front of him. i thought this would have happened in my 20s. sadly, it was not to be. i'm scared to death about ending up the eccentric old lady with mini dogs, running a boutique, single, still trying to party it up. something must change immediately.

ahhhhgggg, i'm just feeling sorry for myself, which is highly unproductive to my type A brain. what am i going to do about it? at this moment, all i want to do is go to bed with a pint of ice cream and a bottle of vodka. that probably won't work to my advantage.

do i date more? less? i need to make some gfs. i need to get out of the house, out of my store. i should probably go for a jog. yes, i will do that. right after i take a nap and snuggle my little dogs.