xmas well spent

for xmas eve, i went to my cousin's in chicago. it was a blast! she has a billion kids (ok, 6) and it was a lot of fun hanging out with them. i'm especially fond of the tiniest one, who is 4. she is such a creative smart little spaz! now, i am not one for children...but my cousin's kids are actually very unique. they are the kind of kids you can hang out with and they don't annoy the shit out of you. they are extremely polite and well mannered, and SWEET! being that there are six of them, you'd think someone would feel left out or jealous. not the case with them. they are all so loving to each other. the older ones help the little ones get dressed or set the table. it's nice to see such a different perspective since i'm so used to seeing people who are not happy with being a parent and have deamon children.

don't worry...i'm still not interested in giving birth to any.

then i went to my ex's to spend the night. i was surprised how platonic we were. no sex. great. maybe we can be friends.

we spent xmas day downtown chicago, being tourists. it was nice to be with someone who didn't judge me, didn't try to change me, and for the most part understood me. made me feel a little less lonely. we hung out like friends, but different. not like when we were dating but not like someone i'd never slept with for a year. subtle looks that i knew meant "i adore you", the unconscious grabbing of hands, standing too close for platonic, tender touches, hugs that turned into kisses.

the day spent w/the ex made me a little nostalgic but sure of my decision to split up. he was *not* my guy. as much as i wish we could have been, we were not to be. and on that day, i was ok with it.

we went out to dinner with a group of his friends. i still felt that pressure to impress, to make him look good. i still felt protective over him, not that he needs it. and vice versa. wehn we got on the subway, he put his arm around me and whispered "don't be afraid of the nutjobs". we still felt connected a little, that was clear to the others. it felt good to be held.

that night was strange. a little bit of blurred lines. where do we stand? what are we doing? for a nano-second i wanted him back. then i came back to reality. i am still dealing with the situation for what it is, not what i wish it was.