nah, never mind...i can't be friends

here i was, thinking i was all tough & moved on. i thought "sure, i can totally be friends with a guy i just broke up with a couple months ago". i told myself over and over i don't care & i'm over it.

YA RIGHT!

turns out i'm just a normal girl. fuck, i hate when that happens.

i have not spoken to X since the last time we hung out (and the fiasco that ensued with THAT). i have gone out on dates, fooled around with guys...trying to get on with my life. things were great, i thought. we have emailed once or twice, that's about it. i felt like i could be cool w/him and just be buds. good, he's moving on. cool. i'm so fucking modern & cool, i have no feelings.

it hit me the other day when i was looking at his myspace profile. there were a bunch of pics w/girls. my feelings alternated between apathy and sadness. my heart hurt a little when i thought of how he never had any pics of us on there when we were together. fucker. it's such a small petty example of a huge problem i could never get over, eventually leading to the relationship's downfall.

i had a wake up call. why do i want to be friends with him? he wasn't even GOOD to me. he didn't treat me like i deserved. i don't want to hang out with him any more. he's not even a GOOD FRIEND! fuck it! it just hurts. he was a sucky bf. why the fuck do i still give a shit about him? i have zero desire to be with him, but i still miss him. weird how that works.

so i deleted him off my friends list. i know, i'm so high school right now. i hate admitting any failure or weakness, so this is particularly hard for me. am i failing by deciding "no thanks" on the friends offer? am i less of a cool girl b/c i have feelings for him still?

i have to admit to myself one glaring fact-

i can't be friends with him.