dating friends
a couple times in my life i have come to this crossroad. i find a friend with whom i share a mutual attraction. things seem to flow, i enjoy their company. no big deal. seems a pretty natural progression to then date, right? i realize there is so much more to the equation that "hey, we like each other, let's try it out." it's generally a angst-filled journey through the akwardness of transition from friends to bf/gf, worrying if it's going to ruin the friendship, curious on where it's going, etc. although, it doesn't seem that much more trecherous than the usual way i go about dating. the only problem is, you have a little more at stake, especially if you are good friends or you share friends. in my experience, it never works out the way you want it to. it tends to be bad news so, in theory...i will not be engaging in this behavior again.
the first time this happened to me was in college at age 20. my best friend was smitten with me, unbeknownst to me. i was encouraging him to ask out girls, be more social, etc. i told him "ok, find a girl you like and i'll help you ask her out". he rolled his eyes. after many times bugging him he finally barked back, "if you don't know by know you have to be totally blind". huh? a puzzled expresion came across my face as he pointed at me and said "you, you, YOU!!!". ohhhhhhhh duh. i wasn't good at picking up the clues back then (not to say i am good at that now...). anyway, we dated for almost 6 years after that evening. considering my youth & inexperience, i was not yet jaded and/or scared or dating a friend and my cautious nature was not yet in place. i will chalk this one up to experience.
second time this happened to me was last year. i was completely in love with my best friend. i would have married him in a second (and for those who know how commitment-phobic i am realize what a big fucking deal that was). he was perfect, everything i wanted. well, everything except wanting to be in a relationship with me. it was a torturous game of back and forth for the good part of a year. we'd go out every weekend, do "couples" stuff, talk all night...ya know, the same ol' crap you do when you date someone...except we weren't dating. we never defined it. horrible idea. we innocently hooked up a few times, it was perfect. except that it wasn't real. i had my fantasy that this guy was going to finally realize what was standing in front of him- a girl who thought he hung the moon. he got a confidant, activity partner, a gf w/o any of the expected work that you put in a real relationship. we broached the subject several times, with him always hesitant to get invovled because "things are so perfect now". ya, of course they are-FOR YOU!!! In the end, things just got sour. i woke up and smelled the roses, so to speak. the week before i moved back down to so cal was so difficult...lots of crying and arguing involved. we both were angry at the other that things didn't/couldn't work out. after i moved we just stopped talking. conversations would turn into arguements, i'd cry, he'd feel like an ass...then we'd do it again. now, 8 months after, we have talked a total of no more than 10 times & never visited each other like promised. i ended up losing a best friend, more than that, he was like family. would i do it again? can't help what your heart wants, so probably.
i keep saying i will never date a friend again, yet i do it. but after the next experience i totally mean it. unless i think this friend is my SOULMATE) or whatever other incarnation of that phenomenon), i will not go into enemy territory. mark my words!!!
the next time i got involved with a friend happened very recently. i don't even know why i went there. i wasn't that attracted or particularly interested, i should have known better. i think a combination of boredom and desire for someone to think i'm pretty led me to entertain the idea of dating this dude. it lasted like 2 secretive weeks. i didn't want to tell any of my other friends in our circle because i didn't need the drama of what would happen if things went down hill. after all was said and done, i lost not only my friend i stupidly got involved with but my other friends who though i was a bitch for doing such a thing. ouch! mark my words...
ok, as of sept 8th, i will do my very best to not date friends any more. note to friends: don't get involved with me, it will only cause crappy situations, for what???
the first time this happened to me was in college at age 20. my best friend was smitten with me, unbeknownst to me. i was encouraging him to ask out girls, be more social, etc. i told him "ok, find a girl you like and i'll help you ask her out". he rolled his eyes. after many times bugging him he finally barked back, "if you don't know by know you have to be totally blind". huh? a puzzled expresion came across my face as he pointed at me and said "you, you, YOU!!!". ohhhhhhhh duh. i wasn't good at picking up the clues back then (not to say i am good at that now...). anyway, we dated for almost 6 years after that evening. considering my youth & inexperience, i was not yet jaded and/or scared or dating a friend and my cautious nature was not yet in place. i will chalk this one up to experience.
second time this happened to me was last year. i was completely in love with my best friend. i would have married him in a second (and for those who know how commitment-phobic i am realize what a big fucking deal that was). he was perfect, everything i wanted. well, everything except wanting to be in a relationship with me. it was a torturous game of back and forth for the good part of a year. we'd go out every weekend, do "couples" stuff, talk all night...ya know, the same ol' crap you do when you date someone...except we weren't dating. we never defined it. horrible idea. we innocently hooked up a few times, it was perfect. except that it wasn't real. i had my fantasy that this guy was going to finally realize what was standing in front of him- a girl who thought he hung the moon. he got a confidant, activity partner, a gf w/o any of the expected work that you put in a real relationship. we broached the subject several times, with him always hesitant to get invovled because "things are so perfect now". ya, of course they are-FOR YOU!!! In the end, things just got sour. i woke up and smelled the roses, so to speak. the week before i moved back down to so cal was so difficult...lots of crying and arguing involved. we both were angry at the other that things didn't/couldn't work out. after i moved we just stopped talking. conversations would turn into arguements, i'd cry, he'd feel like an ass...then we'd do it again. now, 8 months after, we have talked a total of no more than 10 times & never visited each other like promised. i ended up losing a best friend, more than that, he was like family. would i do it again? can't help what your heart wants, so probably.
i keep saying i will never date a friend again, yet i do it. but after the next experience i totally mean it. unless i think this friend is my SOULMATE) or whatever other incarnation of that phenomenon), i will not go into enemy territory. mark my words!!!
the next time i got involved with a friend happened very recently. i don't even know why i went there. i wasn't that attracted or particularly interested, i should have known better. i think a combination of boredom and desire for someone to think i'm pretty led me to entertain the idea of dating this dude. it lasted like 2 secretive weeks. i didn't want to tell any of my other friends in our circle because i didn't need the drama of what would happen if things went down hill. after all was said and done, i lost not only my friend i stupidly got involved with but my other friends who though i was a bitch for doing such a thing. ouch! mark my words...
ok, as of sept 8th, i will do my very best to not date friends any more. note to friends: don't get involved with me, it will only cause crappy situations, for what???
posted by issuegirl at 9:32 AM
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