3 hr tour of tourture

considering i hardly even want to remember this, i'm going to make it as brief as possible...

i was expecting yesterday to go so different than the way it ended up. i had imagined fun and drinking on my friends' new sailboat. only the drinking ended up happening for me.

after getting lost for a while (like always for this direction-challenged chick) i get to the marina to be met coldly by one of my friends. *little backround, against my better judgement i had been seeing/hanging out/whatever you call it with this dude for a couple weeks prior but had not said anything about it to my other friends b/c i didn't know if i was that interested & for fear it would get weird.* well, one foot on the boat and i realized this was totally not my deal. not that i'm anti-sailing, it's just more like i didn't know what to expect & was not in my element whatsoever. i hoped it was my imagination & i figured i'd give it the old college try.

fast forward to hours later, after being not just ignored by the said dude but completely avoided. i think there was a total of 4 words exchanged. why? no clue. it's not like you can go somewhere on a little sailboat. i was stuck there, feeling totally uncomfy & not sure how to broach the situation. well, i ended up saying nothing...just seething in my anger. i was mad at myself for going against my rules of dating anyone in my circle and now there was drama. i was mad that he was acting like a total dick and avoiding me. i was mad that this whole situation was occuring.

after the trip was over i hauled ass out of there. feeling so embarassed and stupid, i didn't even want to talk to anyone...least of all that guy. but, being so pissed i confronted him. asking if we were still cool. his response- a harsh, "i don't know, are we?". he said something to the effect that we aren't that compatible. (sure, i know... why do you think i didn't tell any of my friends? i doubted it would go anywhere.) the weird thing was, is that he was like pissed at me for that fact. i have no idea why. it's not like i would have cared, i just expected some respect & honesty. we got into some words and i just remember telling his to not give me bullshit and walking away. i then text'd him saying he was a clueless idiot and to leave me alone.

ok, ya, i admit the last thing was a little dramatic. it gets worse...

i was so embarassed/pissed/frustrated/upset that i freaked out & told my buddy that i couldn't be friends with the group anymore. it was rash, yes, i know. i just felt SO fucking weird, that i didn't want to torture myself with the akwardness of hanging out w/people who were probably listenting to me getting trashed by the prior friend i messed around with. so in my freaking out brain, i thought the logical thing would to cut things off with all my friends. i knew i was overreacting like 10 mins after i said it, but what do i do? i just cried & felt sorry for myself. (yes, i AM a girl sometimes in my life)

i tried apologizing, but i'm not sure that worked. the one guy, of course, won't talk to me. and my other friend prolly hates me by now...dammit. *sigh*

lesson for the day- never ever ever ever ever again will i mess around w/a friend.

update (one week later): after apologizing to both guys, neither will speak to me. i guess i shouldn't be so upset since i didn't lose that good of friends to begin with. i expected the date/friend guy to act like that, but not my other friend. a week later, he says i need to get my head on straight. see what mess comes from messing with friends?