when NOT to run into an old bf

i recently started seeing a new guy, who happens to be very fun and cool. that is besides the point, it's really just background info.

so i haven't talked to AM for about a month, after my bday blowup i wasn't even about to try to deal with him. better to put that off for another day. so after avoiding him for a while, i finally broke down and called after receiving a small talk email from him (ie. how are you, how's the store, etc).

things were akward over the phone, unsure of what to say. i ended up crying not from sadness but frustration that i ended up in that situation with someone i *knew* was wrong for me from the begining. i asked if we "were cool" and said i'd call again another time. semi relief washed over me, i was totally ok with everything. i still didn't want to see him in person yet.

fast forward to tuesday, when i'm on a dinner date with the new guy. who is sitting a table next to us? of course, AM is. i yelped, "oh my god" and immediately felt nervous. "you look totally flustered, do you want to leave?", the new guy said. i declined and tried my hardest to just act *normal*. i haven't had anything like that happen before, so i was so caught off guard.

after beer #1, i chilled out a little bit, trying not to look at AM. i scooted my chair to the other side of the table, facing my back towards him and grabbed the hand of the new guy, whispering "i'm so sorry". he kissed my head and told me not to worry about it since he was the one who was with me he didn't care about the old guy. good answer!

what a yucky experience.

am i destined to be the crazy old dog lady?

i'm getting depressed. no, more like sinking into a grey place of dispair and hopelessness. so, ya, i'm bummed. tears well up in my eyes as i type this.

i just called my employees and gave them the day off, because i cannot handle life at the moment.

what the fuck is wrong with me? is it reality or chemical? hard to tell. i cover up my negative feelings so often (to maintain my cheery demeanor) that it's hard to seperate real life from what i "should" be feeling.

part of it stems from my feelings of isolation and loneliness lately. i am craving social interactions, friends, dates, activities and i am just not finding what i'm looking for. am i really looking at all? hard to say. another part is that i've been physically feeling like shit lately. the late work hours, the stress, the lack of eating...have all wrecked havoc on my midsection and energy. blech. it's hard to get motivated when you feel like ass. i need drugs.

nah, i need to jog. i need some friends, something to do. i need a bf.

ew! did i just type that? did miss independant just say she needs a bf? oh man, i actually did say that. and i think i mean it, too. what is with me?

for whatever reason, lately i have been really feeling shitty about being single. a teensy part of that comes from having the most amazing date with the most amzing guy on the planet and then having him blow me off, leaving me to question "what did i do wrong" and "what is wrong with me?". usually i would have brushed it off to it being his loss and moved on to the next victim.

it got me questioning my worth as a potential partner to men. if i can't attract (and keep) the kind of sexy creative smart man i want, what is the problem? where am i failing? WHY am i failing? why does no one see what a gem i am? i'm very success driven, so getting an F in relationships really fucking pisses me off.

i called one of my ex bfs last night. he listened to me cry for an hour about how sad and lonely i was and how i'm so down about being alone. he said something very sweet (once in a while he is good for something)... he said i'm going to always have trouble finding what i was because i am looking for something very specific, i am very special and it will take a very special man to be good enough for me.

i want to believe him, i do. part of me does. the surface part doesn't believe him right now due to all the junk clouding my brain. i just don't *FEEL* like i'm special. i feel like i have this unseen defect that repells men and keeps me solo. i feel like if i was different, THEN i'd find a guy. THEN someone would realize how cool i am.

i just turned 31, so now i'm officially "in my 30s" vs just being 30. that made me start rehashing my life disappointments, failings, letdowns, dreams that never came to fruition. one of the recurring themes was my lack of a partner. i still miss my first bf...we broke up 5 yrs ago. i miss my last bf...we broke up 1 yr ago. i figured some smart guy would have snatched me up by now, realizing the love of his life is just right there in front of him. i thought this would have happened in my 20s. sadly, it was not to be. i'm scared to death about ending up the eccentric old lady with mini dogs, running a boutique, single, still trying to party it up. something must change immediately.

ahhhhgggg, i'm just feeling sorry for myself, which is highly unproductive to my type A brain. what am i going to do about it? at this moment, all i want to do is go to bed with a pint of ice cream and a bottle of vodka. that probably won't work to my advantage.

do i date more? less? i need to make some gfs. i need to get out of the house, out of my store. i should probably go for a jog. yes, i will do that. right after i take a nap and snuggle my little dogs.

starving masochist no more

today is my birthday. that fact is irrelevant, really. the more important fact is that i am still single. still single at age 31. i would have loved to confess i am a year wiser, but it is looking like that is not the case.

for some reason i like to torture myself. i am a masochist. i let men treat me badly, and i go back for more. i act like a hungry puppy, begging for scraps. i am not discriminate...i will take any scraps of affection thrown my way. even from guys who i know deep down are not worth my trouble.

AM was definitely not worth my trouble. was i that starved i forgot what feeling full felt like? i would take his scraps of nothing and let it tide me over until the next time he decided to see me.

i was trying to break things off for months now, only to get dismissed everytime the subject came up. i was told i was "overreacting" or that "everything's fine". no, it wasn't fine. and no, i wasn't overreacting. i just couldn't do it. i couldn't be that girl he thought of as "just good for sex".

i haven't seen him in about a month, and that was the loud and clear message. not that i contacted him either. i have too much pride. i wanted to, believe me. i wanted to yell at him for failing me...for not giving me what i need...for just being a coward and not talking to me when he *knew* i was going to bring up something unpleasant.

so i get an IM this morning saying happy birthday. super, the only person on the planet to remember was the last person i wanted to talk to. somehow the subject went to him blowing me off again and now coming around b/c it was my b-day.

he got defensive and made it seem like i was overreacting. gave me the old chestnut comment "we weren't bf/gf, sorry you thought it was more". that comment felt like a slap across the face. that comment is for chicks you think are digusting skanks. that comment isn't even good enough for someone you consider a friend.

it never was the fact we were fucking. i generally can seperate that. i can fuck w/o feelings (kinda sad, huh?). i did have a little bit of feelings for him (more towards the caring side than passionate), but i knew rationally we would make a horrible couple. he was too boring/wimpy/rigid, i am too hyper/ambitious/strong. it came down to the fact that he did not treat me like a friend. he treated me like some disposable chick that he didn't care about.

when i brought this up, he tried to rationalize it by saying "friends sometimes don't talk to each other for weeks". um, not my friends. and when you make plans with someone and just don't show up or call, that crosses the line.

the convo ended with him blaming me for not bringing up the topic and me telling him to fuck off since he apparently isn't my friend anyway. friends don't treat each other that way.

this is why i don't bring things like this up with guys. this is why i choose to just stop calling. this is why i'm single...because i accept this shitty treatment. i let AM treat me this way, i let PF treat me this way, i've let SO many guys treat me this way...i'm hurt and embarassed to admit that.

i have been slowly weeding out from my life people who don't treat me like i deserve. i realized i need to do this for my own mental sanity. i cannot allow negative energy into my life if i want to be happy and successful.

i have accepted the fact that my mother will never change and will always treat me with disrespect and abuse if given the chance. she was the first to go. she has called me several times, i don't answer. it feels great to be strong enough to not call her, to not allow her to poison my thoughts with feelings of inadaquacies.

now, AM has to go. but i've known that for a little while now. it just took the wake-up call today to solidify it. i thought maybe we could be friends, maybe things would be ok. nope, life is not a chick flick.

for my b-day resolution i will continue to weed out the people who treat me shitty & work on finding more people to add to my life who actually give a shit.

isn't it ironic

the other day i discovered a very funny, yet semi-inconvenient, fact.

my cool new intern was telling me about her place and i realized it was the same apartment complex as the last guy lived. i joked we'd go to the spa and hang out together all the time, since it's like we're neighbors now.

sidenote: ok, i need a nickname for him...AM, for the nickname i call him in real life. ok, noted for the record.

anyway...the intern was describing her new place and the location in the complex. i laughed, "well, AM said he had some cutie college girls move in above him a few weeks ago". after we had a big laugh, we looked at each other and said "no way!". jinx!

i run over to my laptop to look up my address book. i asked her to repeat her address. we both look at my e-address book and shriek! omg! omg! she moved in to the apartment directly above AM!!! out of all the apartments in town, she has to move into that one. i have been giggling about it since we figured it out.

so last night i go over to AM's place, we are laughing and fooling around. i hear the "bing bing" of my cell phone signalling a text.

"lol i knew u were there cuz i heard ur laugh. keep it down, will ya? jk :)"

it was very odd knowing the my intern was in such close proximity that she could hear me laugh (i will admit i do have a loud distinct laugh), let alone other hear activities.

AM & i had sex the next morning...amazing, hot, sweaty, full-of-feeling passionate sex. "why so quiet today?", he said as he did the exact move he knew would make me yelp in extasy. i covered my mouth as i moaned. i made him kiss me as he made me cum.

it was so weird to be so conscious during sex. i'm usually completely uninhibited in bed, but the knowledge of my employee possibly hearing me getting nailed was just too much. it messed w/my head a little...but not enough to not get mine.

the thrill is gone

ironic... it really sunk in while actually listening to a dude belt out "the thrill is gone" at a jazz bar. i had to break it to the guy i just wasn't into it any more. i wished i could have just dedicated that song to him and got the fuck out of the bar...no such luck. i felt the knot in my stomach, since i knew what i had to tell him and i knew how yuck i always feel about talking about my feelings and all that girl shit.

what happened with us??? i can't put my finger on it. it started just slowly becoming boring, i think.

our first like 4 dates were fantastic! he was complimentary, romatic, funny and charming. slowly (MUCH too early into things) it seems as if he started "relaxing". *sigh* no hand holding, no "you look great" but still doing the talking-about-the-future thing (ex. "this summer, i'll have to take you to the lake"). wtf? i need to be romanced at least a little longer than a month!

the last straw came when i went over to his house last week and i kinda knew that it was expected i slept with him. plus, i was still into him enough to give it a try. mayday! mayday! the sex was not good. no way could this go any further if the guy can't even get me wet. so after an akward exchange, we settled in to watch a movie in bed. god, anything to not have to look at him, i was so embarassed. i was really sick that night, so i was feeling pretty barfy. when i grabbed his hand to pull his arm over me (fuck- i just want some sympathy when i'm sick) he pulls it away, stating, "i'm just not that into cuddling". excuse the fuck out of me? i didn't ask for the full on gross-me-out snuggling...just an arm on my back while i struggled not to puke in his bed. that statement right there was what sealed his fate.

in addition, i really missed that last guy. i have been kinda seeing him for the entire time, who knows what we are doing. at that moment, i wished i was with the other guy because he would have been getting me soup and petting my head not acting as if i had the plague.

one more problem i had to deal with. he had bought tickets to a show in my town for a week after i knew i was over it. i felt obligated to go, for fear of being thought of as a bitch if i backed out. i figured i'd go and try my hardest to have a fun time.

i can best sum up the date as the longest akward silence i've ever experienced. we ate a very rushed dinner in almost comlpete silence. i welcomed the comedy show as a relief from having to strain to make conversation. we went to a jazz club after, where i watched the band and tried to compose the words in my head, "this isn't working, i think we should stop seeing each other".

i have never claimed to have great timing. i blurted that out right as we were going to sleep (no touching, nothing romantic at all happened all evening). he looked shocked. huh?! how?!?! *rolling eyes* he asked i wanted him to leave, i told him no because i didn't dislike him i just didn't think dating was the best idea. he slept half off the bed. in the morning, he got dressed in record speed and hurried the fuck out of my apartment mumbling "i'll call you later".

damn, another one bites the dust.

THIS is what i live for

sometimes i get the most amazing ego boost. anyone who knows me, knows i LIVE to teach, inspire, motivate and help girls. dealing with shit is easier when i tell myself it just serves to help me be a better role model. i have a duty to girls to be a stud to show them that chicks can do whatever the fuck they want.

ok, i'll get off my soapbox. i *really* am that passionate about it though.

i met a few college aged girls for intern positions w/my growing company. i was so flattered that they were so impressed by my accomplishments, since i don't take myself seriously. i'm still getting used to the idea of being someone's boss and running a nation-wide company.

so anyway, i got this super rad email from one of the girls i interviewed the other day. THIS is exactly why i am living, struggling, busting ass...to one day hopefully make a difference in girls' lives.

***
Sandi -I had such a great time meeting with you today! What an inspiration you are! Thank you so much for your time. I want to apologize, because I feel like I got us so off track at times that we didn't even really discuss what my potential job would entail. However, I really enjoyed getting to know you and getting to know more about your business. I think {edited= my company} is an incredible company, and I would be more than thrilled if I were given the opportunity to be a part of it. I'd love to help you in anyway possible. I hope to hear from you soon. Thanks again so much... I really had an awesome time!
***

getting an email like this keeps me going. how rad?!?!? anytime i start to feel off track, i will look at this email and tell myself "holy shit, maybe i actually CAN make a difference in the world".

ANOTHER fantastic date

what luck i've had lately! well, luck with one guy at least.

i had another splendid date w/the guy from last week. the stars aligned to give this over-worked, under-appreciated chick ONE more fucking rad date.

he picked me up, took me to a great dinner, a fucking hysterical comedy show (i literally was crying the guy was so raunch-funny), then to the jazz club we went to the last weekend.

i felt like a teenager, all giddy. yeeeee!!!! i was so nervous, i spilled my appletini on the table. ugh! i tries to laugh it off but still felt pretty lame about it.

it felt like we were the only two people on the planet. how magical! *swoon* we pawed each other in the booth while watching a rockabilly band. he whispered, "you are so beyond sexy". when the conversation lulled, he was staring at me and then blurted, "you are SO pretty". oh man! how i forgot how amazing it felt to be complimented by a man!!!

like i said previously, if nothing else comes of this i am thrilled at this reaffirmation of amazing men still left in the world. (and that amazing men can think I'M amazing too).

ps, in case you're wondering, i'm waiting to sleep with him. i actually really like him.

fantastic date

once in a blue moon you get a fantastic date. one where the activity is fun, the food is great, the mood is right, great chemistry, and most importantly- the guy makes you feel like the most beautiful interesting woman in the world.

last night was one such date. even if nothing comes from our time together, i will take this as proof that fantastic dates are possible. (i was begining to lose hope!)

i met him last week over cocktails. he was adorable, funny, nice job, good education, and thought i was the cat's meow.

when he asked if he could take me out on saturday night, i happily agreed. he showed up exactly on time, with a bottle of sweet sparkling red wine (omg my fav!) and milk bones for my mutts. this guy certainly knows how to make a good impression on a girl AND her dogs.

we cabbed it over to the spot for dinner. we swapped ribbings over martinis, laughing the entire time. conversation flowed with no akward pauses. it was effortless.

walking to the jazz club, he grabbed my hand "to make sure i didn't slip on the ice". i held onto it the entire way there. ya know, just in case. the rest of the night was a blur of martinis, compliments, laughing, fun and chemistry. i was totally taken care of. *swoon*. we kissed on the couch of the smokey jazz club, i was in heaven.

nothing like a great date to restore a girl's faith in mankind. or MANkind. where it goes from here, who knows. i got to feel like a princess for a night.

what (and who) i've been doing for the last 2 months

i had an internet penpal for like 6 months before i moved here to MI. this was not a guy i really considered dating. for one he had been recently divorced. two, he's just not as crazy as i like my guys. he is just not my type.

we met in person and i thought he was a lot cuter than i expected. we hung out a few times. he was akward and nervous around me, no clue why. i had felt like he wanted to kiss me for weeks, but never got up the nerve to make a move on me. and i don't make things easy for guys. so he got nothing.

we hung out a lot more. i went on a slew of lame dates and one night he was helping me put together a futon and i saw him totally differently than before. here is this guy who is crazy about me and i'm not even giving him the time of day. i should look at the guy right in front of me. immediately he was bf potential. funny how things work like that.

we were sitting on the assembled futon and he was hugging me. i was so overwhelmed with work i was about to cry. (side note: i am in the process of opening a retail store and it's a shit ton of work). i asked him, "do you think i can do it?" meaning, the store. without missing a beat he replied, "the store? fuck ya, no doubt in my mind". that is exactly what i needed to hear. i leaned over and kissed him right there. then told him, "that was exactly the right answer". we spent the rest of the night making out. i had no idea a nerd could be such a great kisser.

the sex was super, but a little vanilla. i dont' like having to tell a guy to fuck me from behind. i want a guy who wants to do it. but it was pretty cute to see him so appreciative after i gave him the best blowjob of his life.

after that day, it kinda fast forwarded into bf/gf. which for the moment it felt nice...someone who cared about me, someone i could do things with, someone who was a good friend. but it was almost like when you eat to much ice cream. it tastes delicious at the begining but then after you realize it was a mistake.

we had the "let's slow down" chat, then a week went by where we didn't talk. i missed my buddy so bad. then we see each other and hook up. he says how much he missed me and it feels so good to be with me, blah blah. i totally adore him as a friend, yet as a bf there's not much there.

can i keep him as a fuck buddy?

back in the game

having not had sex with anyone else for a year and a half, i was still torn over my ex. even though we are not together, i still felt like "his".

i had gone on a couple dates in the time since we had broken up, but never slept with anyone else. i almost felt guilty about it. especially when we kept hooking back up and hearing him tell me how much he missed me and had feelings or me, blah blah and all that shit. i decided he would just have to deal with me moving on and i had to do that without guilt or sadness.

it was time to break that feeling of connection. i had to make it official- there was zero chance we would work things out. and how would i accomplish that?

fuck someone else!

and yes, i did.

my new life

after a grueling 4 day drive across the country, i arrived in my new town- ann arbor, michigan.

i was immediately filled with a rush of nostalgia, excitement, joy and (most importantly), purpose. i was in ann arbor! i had longed to return for five long years. i had overcome my issues with doubt and fear that had previously prevented me from going back to school.

of course, i'm racked with lonliness due to the absense of a bf that doubled as a cheerleader whenever i question myself. sigh. it is only forcing me to be even more independent. is the end result as special if i do not have someone to share it with?

aside from adjusting to the weather, life is sllllloooooowly returning to normal. i am still overly tired and under inspired.

fuck! i knew this would be hard...but this is HARD!

xmas well spent

for xmas eve, i went to my cousin's in chicago. it was a blast! she has a billion kids (ok, 6) and it was a lot of fun hanging out with them. i'm especially fond of the tiniest one, who is 4. she is such a creative smart little spaz! now, i am not one for children...but my cousin's kids are actually very unique. they are the kind of kids you can hang out with and they don't annoy the shit out of you. they are extremely polite and well mannered, and SWEET! being that there are six of them, you'd think someone would feel left out or jealous. not the case with them. they are all so loving to each other. the older ones help the little ones get dressed or set the table. it's nice to see such a different perspective since i'm so used to seeing people who are not happy with being a parent and have deamon children.

don't worry...i'm still not interested in giving birth to any.

then i went to my ex's to spend the night. i was surprised how platonic we were. no sex. great. maybe we can be friends.

we spent xmas day downtown chicago, being tourists. it was nice to be with someone who didn't judge me, didn't try to change me, and for the most part understood me. made me feel a little less lonely. we hung out like friends, but different. not like when we were dating but not like someone i'd never slept with for a year. subtle looks that i knew meant "i adore you", the unconscious grabbing of hands, standing too close for platonic, tender touches, hugs that turned into kisses.

the day spent w/the ex made me a little nostalgic but sure of my decision to split up. he was *not* my guy. as much as i wish we could have been, we were not to be. and on that day, i was ok with it.

we went out to dinner with a group of his friends. i still felt that pressure to impress, to make him look good. i still felt protective over him, not that he needs it. and vice versa. wehn we got on the subway, he put his arm around me and whispered "don't be afraid of the nutjobs". we still felt connected a little, that was clear to the others. it felt good to be held.

that night was strange. a little bit of blurred lines. where do we stand? what are we doing? for a nano-second i wanted him back. then i came back to reality. i am still dealing with the situation for what it is, not what i wish it was.

issuegirl, mechanic

now i have always claimed to be quite handy. i have been known to change my own tire while guys stare in awe. i am hardly a damsel in distress, i don't wait for a guy to do it for me. i do it myself. such a funcking feminist.

i have been fixing my jeep up for my cross-country trip. a tune-up here, new tires there (these were NOT done by me ha!). plus i had to get a liscense plate frame w/my biz website. that's a given.

today's project- new cold weather-appropriate wipers. i bought the best ones i could find, just as a treat to my jeep for my taking it into the freezing weather. hey- wiper blades are important!

after putting on the changing of the wipers until the rubber fell off the old ones, i sucked it up and went at it. it took me 5 minutes. easy! now i have new top-of-the-line windshield wipers. snow and sleet will be no match for my studly new wipers.

next, i will graduate to oil changes, tire rotations and lube jobs.

ugh, i'm done

i have reached the point where i do not care any more. it saddens me to think i can do nothing else to "fix" someone who is so severely ill that she is a danger to herself. who am i speaking of? my mom, of course.

i write this at midnight, after her friends just called to alert me of her drunk driving. great. just how i want to spend my saturday night...worried my mom will kill someone or herself due to her complete drunken oblivion.

this is not something new. i have been picking up the pieces after her for as long as i can remember. she gets drunk, i cover for her, i pick up her messes. classic case of enabling. well, i'm done.

i have been dealing with horrible guilt that goes along with cutting someone out of your life that you feel attached to. realize, i said "attached to", not love. i do not think i love my mother any more, just feel a sense of obligation and duty to care for her. how long can i go on sacrificing my own health and sanity for the false hope that *someday* she might get better.

now, i am an optimist. i believe the best in people. i have been hoping for my whole life my mom would change & finally get her shit together. now, at age 30, i think i have opened my eyes to the realization that that will never happen.

yes, i've been saying that i was done for how many years now? when will i learn??? with encouragement from my gfs, i feel finally ready to sever this grossly unhealthy relationship.

fuck. it feels like the best thing and the worst all at once.

i suck

ya, pretty much. i suck.

i wish i could say i suck *literally*, yet that aspect of my life has been sadly dry as of late.

nope, i only *figuratively* suck. i haven't posted anything lately. i haven't had much to say.

i have not been interested in men, to say the least. i'm still sorting out the feelings left in the wake of the tidelwave that was my ex. he's still here and there in my life, as much as i try to pull away...sometimes i just keep getting sucked back in.

fuck! i go back and forth from love to hate, sometimes all in the same minute. why does he have to call? why am i so stupid i answer??? part of me says i still love him (yet, have NO interest in being with him) and part of me is curious on what he has to say and part of me is flattered that he still has feelings for me.

i'm a stupid girl sometimes, i completely admit this.

i guess i should get off my semi-heartbroken ass and write some more, ya think?

the X...the countdown to his departure

i've been so sad today. i almost feel like i'm experiencing the breakup all over again. i am feeling such a depth of loss that i can't shake it.

i spent the evening with the X last night. it was bittersweet. he came over, immediately telling me how beautiful & sexy i looked (i will admit i got extra dolled up for him). we just sat on my bed and hugged for the first 15 minutes, telling each other how much we will miss the other.

i brushed his hair back, looking into the same green eyes i looked into for the last year...knowing i may never see again. i made him promise this wouldn't be goodbye.

we went out on a "date", which included a romantic moonlit dinner (where we had one of our first dates), flirty looks, nostalgia, holding hands, compliments and a sexual tension so thick you could cut it with a knife.

after reminiscing about our relationship, i almost forgot why we split up int he first place. i hate that confusion, i hate questioning decisions. why did he have to be so charming a week before he moved across the country??? for the night, i was back in love with him. for the night, we were back together and things were back to perfect. for the night, i was loved.

an amazing date turned into amazing sex. the kind of sex that is mind-blowing because not only is it physically perfect, it is mentally surreal.

when he left i had a mixture of emotions, i still don't know how to feel. i miss him in my life. i will miss him terribly when he moves. i realized i still love him.

i still love him.

disillusioned by men...yet again

ugh, i go back & forth about the realities of dating & dealing with men. i try, really hard, i do. i try to stay optimistic about my future. i'm not walloing in self-pitty, i'm attempting to live a great full life as a fantasticly cool chick who just happens to be single. i keep telling myself that there is a great guy out there for me, that i'm a great catch, that the last guy just didn't deserve me. ya, that's dandy...but i'm still on the verge of tears at the moment when thinking of the latest situations that have added up into this feeling of aloneness and failure.

i had a long chat w/my gf last night about this subject. she is a couple years older than i am & is feeling hopeless in the single situation she's in since she wants marriage, babies and all that crap. she claims i "at least had bfs in the past" and it was better than "being single for the last 6 years". i don't know what is "better", losing love or never having it in the first place.

i say both suck. where do i even begin? i'm having difficulty forming thoughts at the moment. fucking men!!!!

let's see...so many disappointing men, so little time. i think my one last shred of hope that men are decent was shattered today while walking to startbucks. i called my ex J (the one I was with for 6 years), just wanting to chat & hoping he'd have something nice to say to cheer me up. He said something about how he gave his old gf a car. I replied that it must be nice to have a guy buy you a car & i wish i ever had a bf that would buy me stuff like that. He snapped back "let's not start that again, i explained it". whatever, dude. buy her a fucking car, i don't care. never talk to me again, i don't care. i suddenly got really pissed at him for "failing" me, for disappointing me and for not being able to live up to his end of the deal. i don't know where all this anger came from, i thought i had dealt with it. but guess not. the convo ended with me saying "uh, let's talk another time, you don't seem to be being too nice to me". why was i so stupid to think i could go back to a past situation? no! stupid girl!

i went out on a date a day ago. i had a fantastic time with the guy (the same guy i've hung out w/a couple times and went skinny dipping with). we ended up making out on the beach. i was semi-excited that perhaps this could turn into something. if i could just get over his inconsideration and flakyness. i text'd him a quick "thanks & i had fun" message yesterday morning. no response. i text'd saying "hey, dork, the proper ettiqette when someone text's you thanks is to repond with you're welcome". his response- "you're welcome". fuck him! bummer, i actually liked him. his loss. if only i could believe that whole-heartedly at the moment. i will not return his call, IF he ever does again. jerk!

and the recent X bf...he's moving out of state, which is a blessing in disguise i think. i'm still not completely over the situation and he still enrages me on occasion. why? who the hell knows. i think the feeling of him seeming to be over me so quickly after we split up. that is a blow to my ego. we are attempting to be friends, but it's so damn hard. i just end up remembering why i fell in love with him in the first place and then wanting to scream at him "WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU? WHY COULDN'T YOU LOVE ME? WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME???" until my throat is raw.

i'm starting to feel like it's ME, not the guys. what is wrong with ME that all the guys in the world don't realize what a fucking prize i am? *sigh* at least i have my little four-legged men to tell me how rad i am.

i'm a naughty school girl and it's my birthday!

oh man! i was the drunk girl at the bar last night. not *A* drunk girl, but *THE* drunk girl. the drunkest skank in the place.

and now, at eleven a.m. i am paying the price of my binge party last night. my head is throbbing and my vision is still blurry. oy!

it was "naughty school girl" night at a bar by my place. so me & about 10 of my gfs dressed up as slutty as we could and rolled over there. after one drink the party was not up to our liking, so we decided to go over to our regular hang out bar. mind you, this was NOT the bar that was having a costume party, so we went knowing full well that we were going to get some looks.

and looks we got!!! the second we walked up the stares and chatter started. we pretended it was my birthday, since we needed a reason we were all slutted-out.

when we walked through the bar, it was like the parting of the red sea. within 5 seconds we were getting names, drinks and numbers. fan-fucking-tastic!!!

since it was "my birthday", i didn't end up paying for anything...yet i was bombed the entire night.

i remember going around the bar, grabbing guys' packages "since it was my birthday". i cannot believe how forward i am when i am drunk. i flirt hard core with random guys, i go right up and say hi, i'll whisper suggestive phrases in their ears (letting my lips graze their cheeks). i found one dorky guy that i fancied. of course, he has to be from out of town! damnit! he will hereby be called "mt. chicago", since that's where he lives.

at one point i was making out with mr. chicago up against a wall, with his hand up my skirt & my hands on his ass. he followed me over to the bar and pressed up against me as i was trying to order. being drunk, i had zero inhibitions so i thought giving him a handjob was a good idea. yes, a handjob right there, in line at the bar with him standing behind me. i guess i didn't do too good of a job being sly about it as the bartender totally called me out. he pointed to me and told the entire bar how scandalous i was. heh heh! oh well, i guess good news travels fast. and i don't think i'll be going to my favorite bar anymore.

at closing time i was in no mood for an after party, even though my gf was begging me to go back to the guys' hotel room. i just wanted to go to the bathroom and throw up. my fast-thinking gf pulled the car over for me to hack up all the booze i drank (stupidly, on an empty stomach). at that point i had no shame left due to the extreme pounding in my head and spinning of the room. she dropped the guys off, i gave mr. chicago a quick grope and a kiss and that was the end of that relationship.

i moaned, "take me home quick, i'm dying" to my gf. she asked if i wanted food. i said i wanted to barf. she asked if i wanted water. i said i wanted to barf.

when we got in front of my house, i rolled out of her front seat onto the road. i was on all fours, praying to barf to get it over with. she dragged me into my apartment, took my boots off and gave me water & asprin. she even took my dogs out to pee. gotta love her for that! what a great friend.

i think i learned my lesson. don't wear school girl outfits to bars- it only leads to trouble!

both times i threw up from drinking...

were with a guy with the same name.

cooincidence? perhaps.

now, mind you, i have only thrown up from alcohol twice ever. yes, really. and both times it was like throwing up liquor, not really any food. i just drank too much on an empty stomach, and ended up coughing up a crapload of liquid poison.

first time, was a date in san fran. took me out bar hopping. one too many patron shots ended up with me hovering over the bathroom sink of the dimly lit dive bar. it should have been a big clue when he didn't even come to check on me and still tried to have sex with me right after.

maybe the company made me barf, not the booze?

next time, was at my old bf's concert. open bar+empty stomach=me hacking up 5 vodka tonics into the toilet of a crappy bar. we were newly dating, so the idea of him coming to my drunken aid was horrifying, but at that point i was appreciative even as i yelped, "no, go away. i'm fine." the best part was that while he was in the stall next to me, peering over at me (since i wouldn't unlock the door) two young sluts came into his stall and proceeded to make out. his attention suddenly was diverted to the quasi-lesbian sluts and not his barfing gf. even *I* can appreciate the humor in that!

now i'm not sure if i will be barfing from booze again in the future, but it's highly unlikely. i learned to eat before i binge drink. but to be on the safe side, from now on i will avoid this "R" name like the plague, since more than likely i will be throwing up from over-drinking in his company.

nope, still not friends...are we?

ugh. i can't think of anything more torturous than a break-up. even in the current case, where i have ZERO desire to be with him any more, it still hurts. i don't know why i'm upset over a guy i really don't want in the first place.

i guess i've never stopped *hoping* he'd be the guy i wanted. yes, i can see all your heads shaking when you read this. guys don't change. no matter how much you want them to, no matter hard you try...not gonna happen.

even after i declared i didn't want to be friends w/the X, i ended up sleeping with him. i'm NOT doing a good job here.

i initially went over there just to get my shit & tell him to take a short walk off a long pier. it was so akward, he kept trying to pump information out of me, "what's wrong, hon?".

i gave the standard girl answer- "nothing, i'm fine."

we ended up talking, which led to laughing, which led to making out, which led to sex.

fuck! i need to find someone else to have sex with so i don't keep hurting myself. i still get a twinge of pain when i am with X, remebering when i was full of hope for our relationship and thinking this may be the guy.

i am torn between sadness and complete apathy, occasionally i feel hatred and despise, though for what reason i cannot yet identify.

we have exchanged a few emails but have not seen each other. the feelings are dimming, but still there. the sexual chemistry is still there, and that's what is most dangerous.

no. more. seeing. him.

nah, never mind...i can't be friends

here i was, thinking i was all tough & moved on. i thought "sure, i can totally be friends with a guy i just broke up with a couple months ago". i told myself over and over i don't care & i'm over it.

YA RIGHT!

turns out i'm just a normal girl. fuck, i hate when that happens.

i have not spoken to X since the last time we hung out (and the fiasco that ensued with THAT). i have gone out on dates, fooled around with guys...trying to get on with my life. things were great, i thought. we have emailed once or twice, that's about it. i felt like i could be cool w/him and just be buds. good, he's moving on. cool. i'm so fucking modern & cool, i have no feelings.

it hit me the other day when i was looking at his myspace profile. there were a bunch of pics w/girls. my feelings alternated between apathy and sadness. my heart hurt a little when i thought of how he never had any pics of us on there when we were together. fucker. it's such a small petty example of a huge problem i could never get over, eventually leading to the relationship's downfall.

i had a wake up call. why do i want to be friends with him? he wasn't even GOOD to me. he didn't treat me like i deserved. i don't want to hang out with him any more. he's not even a GOOD FRIEND! fuck it! it just hurts. he was a sucky bf. why the fuck do i still give a shit about him? i have zero desire to be with him, but i still miss him. weird how that works.

so i deleted him off my friends list. i know, i'm so high school right now. i hate admitting any failure or weakness, so this is particularly hard for me. am i failing by deciding "no thanks" on the friends offer? am i less of a cool girl b/c i have feelings for him still?

i have to admit to myself one glaring fact-

i can't be friends with him.

how NOT to be "just friends"

it started off completely friendly. i called the ex & asked if he wanted to go to the dog park & hang out last night. there were no alterior motives, none at all. i simply enjoy his company & we are good friends. end of story...so i thought.



we had a nice time at the dog park. our little dogs had a nice time. it was a strange situation...sometimes felt like just friends, sometimes more. i have never attempted to be friend w/an ex, so this is new territory for me. (side note: the ex is a pretty rad dude so i have been willing to try to make it work.) i thought he looked cute, just from work & all scruffy. there were times were he said something funny, and i felt this strong desire to kiss him. there were other times when i thought to myself, "i'm glad we are not going out, he is not the right guy for me". he is so familiar, there were times i almost forgot we broke up. we'd hug for way longer than was "friendly", we'd touch each other with an ease that was more than "friendly". i guess that is a normal reaction, but all these feelings are something i am still not accustomed to dealing with. familiar but different.



when we left, he gave me my b-day gift. after hugging him for a while i gave him a peck on the lips, which turned into a real kiss, which turned into us gropping each other & making out in the dog park parking lot like we were two horny teenagers. i missed the physical part of our relationship. feeling him press his hardness up against me made me question my prior decision to not sleep with him (i even skipped shaving to help avoid the temptation). he asked if i wanted to go back to his place, "just for a beer" which translated into "want to come back to my place to fuck?". a few key phrases whispered in my ear as he kissed my neck & i complied.



back it his house it was business as usual. an hour of amazing hot & sweaty sex, just as great as i remembered it. better, i think, due to the newness of it.



after, we layed there snuggling and talking. again, it felt familiar but different. so strange. it felt good to lay on his chest with him playing with my hair, like when we were together. it was better, though, because i had no expectations of anything. there was no feelings of doubt, like maybe i shouldn't have split up w/him. i just felt at peace. things were good between us, i didn't feel hurt or confused any more...just at peace. it gave me a little closure i needed, i can move on. i loved him but felt i could love him differently now, i can see the situation for what it is.



we go to dinner. the conversation had been winding down, and i realized my date for this weekend had called, my mind wandered...the mind is a very strange thing, it can trick itself into thinking situations are different than they are, just by the desire of having it be so. maybe we didn't have that much to say to each other once the sexual chemistry was out of the way. i think i *wanted* the ex to be great for me, so i made him be. i don't know if any of it was real, looking back. who knows.



the subject of conversation got on making prank phone calls. i lamented how sad i was that cell phones make it next to impossible to make prank calls anymore (side note: i am a huge jokester by nature, and prank calls are just the tip of iceburg). he said there's a way to block your cell number so the person receiving the call won't know the number. neither of us knew exactly *how* to do this, we just knew it existed. i said it was *71. he claimed it was *86.



so we each dial our respected numbers & then the other's phone number. nothing happened. maybe we didn't do it right.



ten minutes later i get a phone call from a number i didn't recognize. i check the voicemail...when i hear the messege my eyes widen & i squeek out "uh, X, i think this was meant for you". he looked confused. i explain what i heard...



"hey X, this is angela. are you fucking kelly right now? i think you should fuck kelly since you guys have so much sexual tension. i think she likes you. she told me she liked those neil diamond green boxers you had on. love you."



oh my fucking god, who the fuck? what the fuck? why the fuck? how the fuck? i was seriously freaked out.



X looked like the cat that ate the canary. he apologized over and over, claiming to feel like "the biggest dickhead on the planet" and "a total douchebag". i felt a little gross. even though we have been split up for two months, i am out dating & i am totally not interested in dating him, it still panged my heart a little to have audial proof of him moving on after me.



ya know what happened??? instead of blocking his number, X FORWARDED his calls to my number. so i got the drunk dials from some ho-bag talking about my old bf's underwear!!!



this would only happen to ME! ha, i actually found it funny after giving him shit for an hour or so. i asked him if he wanted me to call that girl back & tell her how good he is in bed. he cringed, then laughed and said "uh, i think i got it under control".



X apologized over and over about how lame he was & how he'd never want to hurt me. i said it's ok, and meant it. the pain had faded away to nostaliga mixed with sadness and a bright outlook for the future.



i asked if he was sure we could be friends. i told him i was willing to try if he was. he said absolutely. he said "for only been split up for 2 months, we are doing pretty good". ya know, i think he's right. we *are* doing as best as can be expected for an weird situation. i joked that we couldn't get naked together again if we were to be "just friends", he nodded. as much as i love having sex with him, i cannot allow myself to get caught up in anything bad for my mental health. i love him, but i love myself more.



will we stay friends? probably. i hope so. i care about him enough to try to put my ego aside.



i hugged & kissed him goodbye, knowing that i am only going forward.

quantitative vs. qualitative reqirements

in my past i have made general requirements of men i date. past examples have included (but not limited to): must love my dog, has to take me out, must treat me like gold, must be social, etc. in addition, i have had my loooooong list of no-nos (again, NOT limited to): no being a jerk, can't yell at me, no passive-agressive bs, can't be flakey.

while this has been a good foundation of expectations, i have found myself needing to be a little more specific with what i require. after the last few weeks of dealings with men, i am feeling the need for black & white must-haves & deal breakers.

before i give you this list, bear in mind that by virtue of my gender i am entitled to change/add/edit this list at any time and without notice.

***
Quantitative MUST haves/MUST dos:
- must pay for the first 3 dates, letting me buy desert or leave the tip is a-ok
- within each date he must give me no less than 4 compliments
- he must call after said dates within 3 days, 1 day is preferred
- must open the car door 100% of the time
- see me no less than 1 time per week
- he must arrive at our decided meeting location within 15 minutes of agreed upon time
- within 4 months of dating, the words "i love you" should have been said at least 1 time. after that has already been said, must say "i love you" no less than 1 time per visit and 5 times per week
- when the words "i love you" are said to him, he must respond in kind within 10 seconds
- within 2 months of dating, there should have been a talk of exclusivity
- within a 1 month period of said exclusivity, there should be at least 1 introduction to friends/family as "his gf"
- within 3 months of dating, he must have taken AND posted at least 1 picture of us together in a public visable spot


Quantitative deal breakers:
- smoking even .0000001% of the time
- and number of children past 0
- yelling/loosing patience with my dog 2 times, everyone's human he's allowed ONE mistake
- getting physical with me 1 time
- saying the words "fuck you", calling me any profane word in seriousness 1 time, NO allowances for mistakes here
- looking at another girls' breasts over 5 times in one sitting
- owning even 1 pair of crocs clogs
- not calling when he said he would over 1 time in a 2 week period
- cancelling plans withing a 1 hour of arranged time

J back in my life

i have always believed in things happening for a reason, at the exact time it is supposed to happen in your life. although it is hard to deal with it at the time, hindsight has proven this time & time again.

my love life is no exception. looking back i have definitely been with certain men at certain times of my life for certain lessons.

the biggest "certain" was my first love j. we met when we were both 20, dated & lived together until we were 26. six years of life is just way too much to describe in a few phrases. it comes down to this- we split up just due to the plain fact we were way too young & stupid to get married & have kids like we planned. he dropped the breakup bomb on me 3 months before we were to be married.

since a month after i met him, i have loved him. that has never waived. life circumstances blew out my "in love" flame, but he has always held a special place in my heart. i have never had a relationship like him, and was never sure i would. i'd never felt the desire for marriage or children, except with j (sometimes i think i left that desire with him). at the good times, it was the highest high...that ultimately could not be sustained due to youth & immaturity.

the split was ugly, hard, complicated. it was the lat thing either of us wanted but we knew we had to go grow up...apart. i figured i'd never see him again after i moved out.

our communication was few and far between. the first two years phone conversations always ended with me crying. then i moved to the "loathing" phase. i did not want to talk to him, since i felt so betrayed and hurt. not that he hardly attempted to call/email. any attempts on either side was met with an abrupt reply. we didn't talk for a couple years.

i had a dream about him a few weeks ago, in it we had gotten back together after all these years. i wake up & who had emailed me that morning but j. he said he was thinking about me that night & hoped i was doing well. he said i had always be very special to him & he wanted to talk to me. he asked me to please call him.

what? this is the guy who wouldn't talk to me for years. this is the guy who when asked for closure, he brushed me off. this is the guy...well, the guy that broke my heart worse than it had ever been and has ever been broken.

so, with my heart beating so loud i could hardly hear, i made the call.

i recognized the voice immediately. years may have passed but it was a sound i'd never forget.

"i missed you, san", j said sweetly. san. j's nickname for me. no one has since called me that. i don't think i'd want anyone else to.

we talked for over three hours that night. emotions i had long since burried surfuced. i broke the promise to myself that i wouldn't cry.

i felt like i finally got my closure that night. he said all the things i had been waiting to hear for 4 years...he forgave me for all the mean stupid things i did, he's always loved me, he's never loved anyone as much as me, i was the only one he ever wanted to marry or have kids with, he never wanted to break up, he thinks about me all the time.

for the last 4 years i thought the guy i gave my heart & soul to didn't love me, didn't care about me and pretty much forgot all about me. it was such a strange thing to hear that things were not even close to how i thought.

he said he loved me but *couldn't* be with me because we both were too young & needed to go grow up. in truth, i felt the exact same way. he said he never once stopped loving me or wanting to be with me. he said he wasn't married yet (note: his live-in gf just moved out) because he hadn't found anyone as special as i am and as much fun as i am. he said if he ever found a relationship like ours he would get married in a second. but he doubted that any girl would compare to me.

he had followed my adventures over the years (thanks to google & myspace) and said he "missed the fuck out of me" and wanted me to be back in his life. so i agreed that we should meet up "one of these days", i meant with enough time to get my roots touched up, lose 20 lbs, get a nicer apartment and all that other shit that would impress someone.

who knows what the future holds for me & j, but i am so thankful we are talking again. if nothing else, he was my best friend in the world & i have always loved him.

whatever comes out of this will be exactly what is suppossed to happen, i am certain.

trouble with blogging

well, let's state the obvious- guys i know read this shit. i guess there is a little voyeur in all of us. i know for a fact i have more than my share of exhibitionism, so who's to say there aren't my polar twins out there in the desire to observe (or read about) someone's life.

for as long as i have been writing, i have dedicated myself to the truth. i have a strange itching to expose the nuances of my human experience for the world to read. i have always said that i will not censor myself, nor will i hide who i am. it's your choice whether you find some value in what i have to say or not.

which brings me to my next thought...occasionally i have been a little uncomfy with someone i know reading my exploits.

"well why write if you don't want someone to read it?", you may ask.

my final statement is that i want the world to read it. i want to do my part to ease the feelings or un-normalcy in people out there. i want them to read my blog & think to themselves "if this seemingly together chick can do stupid stuff & still make a great life for herself, then maybe i can too" or even "if she is so smart & still makes mistakes, then i'm not as lame". someone saying that about me would be the thrill of my life.

it does, however, create some weirdnesses when guys read it. 1) they are not used to reading such frankness from girls. 2) they do not want to read about prior scandalous behavior of any lady they may be involved with or hope to be involved with 3)me being honest about my sexuality and behavior both alarms and arouses them.

*sigh* so what's a writer girl to do?

all i can say, is that you have to take the good with the bad. if you are one of the guys in my life, you do not want to open pandora's box. trust me. the fleeting moments of pleasure reading about what i think about you will be overshadowed by the prior blogs form a year ago when i describe banging my old bf. just don't do it, that's my tip for you.

uh, akward anyone?

i went to my new fav hangout in town w/a gf tonight. oops, who do i run into but the guy i hooked up with from LAST weekend! ya, the same guy i went out with on wednesday & went skinny dipping with & haven't *really* talked to since then...ya, that guy.

we walk in & go up to the bar. immediately my gf goes "oh hey, there's so-and-so" and I roll my eyes and think "of course it is, who else would i run into?".

let me clarify, it's not that i *don't* want to see him again or had a bad time or anything. i just have been playing it very cool w/this guy. he is a nice guy & all, i just can't figure out if he's than into me or not. and i don't know if *i* am that into him. i just am not about to chase any guy or throw myself at anyone. if he wants to see me, he call give me a call. i'm done doing the work.

so we go over to him & he gives me the side hug. ok, that's weird. dude- you had your tongue in my pussy two days ago and i get the SIDE HUG??? fine, ok, i can deal with that. it is a little akward.

so we have small talk & then he goes back to join his party. very impersonal. i felt SO weird. was he brushing me off? is he here with someone else? does he want to see me again?

jesus, i felt like a chick!!! and i HATE that feeling.

when we left it was a little better. he said "oh aren't we going to that show next weekend?". (i had invited him to a play but i wasn't going to mention it again if he didn't bring it up.) i told him to give me a call.

i'll give him two days to call or he's fired.

i think it's time to hang up my apron

i was a nanosecond away from walking out the door of my lame server job today. now, why i still have this job escapes me. i am so over dealing with fat white trash, people who don't speak english, tourists, teenagers and high maintenence oc moms. blech! those people can fuck themselves!

after a series of irritants, i had had it. the final straw came with this table of 4 mexican teenagers, all ghetto'd out chola style.

they were completely rude, and i knew i wasn't going to get a tip. but i tried tobe nice anyway. when one of the little sluts demanded i get her a new soda i turned around and said "excuse me?!" with a horrified look on my face. she did that neck thing and said "i want a sprite NOT coke". i answered with "whatever" and then made her wait for 15 minutes for her damn soda.

after several other incidents, i just hated them and wanted them out of there. i was worried they weren't even going to pay, let alone tip.

so i see them leave their money & run out the door. they had left a note scribbled on a napkin that read "you suck". that was too much for me to take.

so i run after them into the mall courtyard. i yelled, "you know what? YOU suck!!! don't come back to my restaurant until you learn how to act in public! we don't need business from little brats like you. learn how to act, you little shits! if you can't afford to go out to eat stay home. you are trash! i hope you liked that "special" soda i made you"

(side note: no, i didn't spit in her soda, i just wanted her to think i did. hee hee)

oh man, i had a total meltdown. i guess that will teach them to not fuck with their waitresses!

first date in a looooooooong time

to celebrate hump day, i went out with that guy from the bar last night.

it was a little akward at first, since i didn't really know what much about him, other than he's a nerd, works with computers and has a fancy for guiness. but the air lightened as we walked form my house to a local pub.

at first, i didn't feel any kind of flirty vibes but then slowly he warmed up. i guess i like the quiet shy guys, so i should be used to this. he complimented me on my new purple streaks in my bangs. i told him i thought his "magnum pi" chest hair was hot.

at the bar, we both loosened up. after two vodka/sprites i was grabbing on his legs and he had his arm around me. after the third one, the flirting was in full force. after the fourth one, i wanted to break my sex drought. he finally got up the courage to kiss me.

at closing time we did the long trek back to my place. every few feet we stopped to make out. there's something pretty hot about making out up against signal poll. i was digging this guy.

he gets this bright idea to go swimming. since i live like two blocks from the beach, i say "sure!".

i realized when we stumbled over to the beach that he meant skinny dipping. it was dark, noone was around, i was drunk- why not???

our clothes came off and we went in the water. i cannot express how hot it was when he tried to warm me up in the cold water as we kissed. it was very freeing and sensual to be naked in public, even if it was 3am.

when i asked why he came up with such an freezing idea he answered, "i wanted to see you naked". i exclaimed, "why didn't you just ask!". he was definitely on my good side at this point.

as we made out some more against the lifeguard tower ladder the fact that we both were still naked didn't really matter. i was more drunk from him than the vodka. he went down on my RIGHT there up against the ladder. i laughed as i thought of what a fantastic story it would make the next day for my gfs. i haven't felt so hot and sexy in a loooong time. we switched to laying on the sand for more of the same activity. my head is facing the crashing waves, i'm looking at the stars in the black sky and this hot guy is between my legs. it really doesn't get any better than this.

he whispers, "whatever you do, don't look behind you." so of course, what do i do? look behind me! it was a dazed homeless person wandering the beach. the odd thing was the guy didn't even seem to notice. either way, the mood was dampened. i suggested that we move the party back to my place.

we quickly grabbed our sandy clothes and high-tailed it off the beach. we rolled around my bed for a while until he realized the sun was coming up & he was due at work in an hour. if he didn't have to get out of there, i probably would have ended up sleeping with him...so i guess it's a good thing. there's always another day for drunken debauchery with him.

overall, i think that was a great foray back into the dating world.

and i still have sand around my pockets.

MORE of just what i needed

ahhh i just came back from a drunken night of debauchery at a bar w/a gf. we drank, met some hot guys, i met someone interesting & ended up making out with him. but let me back up...

let me give you some backround. today was a kind of important day. it was the day of bf's show. (ok, he needs a new name- hereby called X). i had been waiting like a million years for his band to play another show. ok, more like 8 months...but whatever. since we first started going out, i looked forward to his shows. i beggged & pleaded for them to do another to no avail. they just don't play that often. jerks.

anyhow, i was soooooo looking forward to tonight's show. but shit happens, and me & X broke up. he said he thought it would be weird if i still came. i kind of agreed. still, today was a hard day for me. i kept imaging all the fun they would be having without me. i thought of the band groupie ho-bags that X could now pick up on. blech.

i was on the verge of tears quite a few times today. i'm embarassed to say, but it really hit me hard today. i saw a guy with a band t-shirt on that was X's favorite. i remember wearing that t-shirt to bed a few times. i checked my e-calender, it buzzed me not to forget about the show tonight. like i could forget even if i wanted to! i tried to focus my attention elsewere, but FUCK it's difficult.

i figured i didn't want to be stuck at home alone tonight, wallowing in sorrow and drinking. so why not go OUT and wallow in sorrow and drink?!?! that's exactly what i did.

mind you, i AM still a little buzzed from this evening's activities but oh well...

i walk into the bar and spot a cutie. my gf ends up knowing him, he's a buddy of hers. i tell her fix me up. we flirted all night long. my gf ROCKS as a wingman & kept excusing herself to go to the bathroom at opportune moments. gotta love that. so i get a little more bold and do the "accidental brush my face on his" when i lean in close to talk (it's a loud bar). i also managed to rub my boobs on him a few times when we talked...just for good measure. i'm not sure how it came about, but i remember the convo turning to his dick. (i can't believe what drunkity guys are willing to do for two cute girls!!!) i think my gf told him to show it to me. well, i only caught a glimps but i *did* get a handfull...niiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiice!!! oh man, i still can't believe i grabbed some guy's dick in a bar. ha ha!!!

we hit it off and by the end of the night we are dancing to te crappy irish folk band playing at the place. i was drunk from the vodka/cranberrys he bought me in addition to his charm and humor. i was smitten. the flirting all night had me hooked.

i don't know what got into me but i found myself all over this guy and kissing him by last call. he was quite the eager participant, so i didn't feel so scandalous. i gave him my number.

we shall see if he calls. of course, i hope he does. if not, there's always next weekend!!!

just what i needed

last night i went out w/a new gf. she took me to a local bar that i can only desribe as a supreme "sausage fest". mind you, i am NOT complaining! every guy was yummy-er than the next!

this was the first time i have ventured out on the town since splitting w/the ex. i have not been feeling that social, and felt a little less-than-stellar about my appeal to the opposite sex.

that ended like 5 seconds after stepping into the bar. all eyes were on me & my gf. we were immediately getting talked to, complimented and hit on. wooohooo!!! i will admit, we did look pretty cute. but, i must have been putting out some major sexy vibes, as i did not have any lack of admirers that evening.

there happened to be a rugby team there that night. yum. a bunch of hot athletic guys, who were from out of town. what more could we ask for? a few were from australia. oh man...the accent!

i put on the charm, throwing some heavy flirting their way. i ended up seeing all their butts and hosting an impromptu "best ass" contest. i couldn't even pick a winner- i was in overload mode with all the muscular thighs in my face. wowza!

i had no less than 5 suitors for the evening. my vodka/cranberry buzz made my worries go away. i was in the moment, having fun, enjoying all the attention. come on, who doesn't love to hear they are hot?!?!

all i can say is...that was EXACTLY what i needed to make me feel hot & sexy again. look out, boys!

life goes on

after my mini freak out yesterday about the bf, i forced myself to be social. i really just wanted to go home, cry and drink a bottle of wine while feeling sorry for myself. that would have been the easy way out.

instead i went out w/a bunch of girls i had not yet met. (side note: i organized a "girls night" group & set up fun activities to meet new people.) i was contemplating not going to the happy hour i had set up... but i realized it would have been much more healthy for me to get out of my comfort zone & meet some new people.

it ended up being a blast and a half! we drank, gabbed while picking out boys we were going to molest after a few more cocktails. i picked the curly-haired waiter we all dubbed "john mayer". another girl picked the very young pretty frat boy sitting behind us (she had a demi-ashton fantasy). another picked the older father type at the table next to us. some of us had to rock-paper-scissors for the guys, as there was an extreme shortage of "pretend bfs" for the evening. for the next event we will pick more of a "sausage fest" location.

for the evening, i forgot my post-break up status and just enjoyed my time as a single girl. that is, until i look at my cell and realize the bf had called while i was making eyes at "john mayer". back to planet earth.

not one of the girls was unempathetic to my situation. i mean, come on- what girl on the planet hasn't gone through a break up?! instead, my confession to newly-single status was met with a chorus of "oh girl, i totally understand." and "you'll get through it" and "there's another guy out there for you". there's just something comforting about being understood and your feelings validated. (oh shit, i'm totally being a girl right now...sorry, just blame my just-started period.) the girls all agreed that we HAD to go out next week for a combo b-day party/man prowling session. i said "hell ya" even though my heart is not sure if i'm totally up for it.

for the first time in a long while, i remembered how fun it was be to be single. i forgot it isn't a death sentence. it is an opportunity for new experiences.

each day that passes i slowly remember how i am only stronger and smarter for every experience i go through. life goes on. with or without a man, life goes on.

revisiting the past

i stand here in front of my computer, bloody mary in hand, rereading blogs from last year. i feel like i at least have made some progress in the time that has elapsed since '06.

then i came across the one i wrote about the first night i met bf last september. my eyes welled up with tears. i had so much hope for things. i did not see any signs that told me to turn around & do not pass go, do not collect $200. all i saw was a guy i dubbed "the coolest guy ever" because he was weird enough to find my pervy sence of humor funny rather than odd. he put a condom in a b of a deposit box, which immediately won him a place in my heart. he was a nice change from all the stuffy boring guys i had gone out with in the past.

he was punky, tattooed, moody, dark...everything that my previous bfs were not. i think that was what drew me in in the first place. he was someone with whom i felt challenged with, and who could make me fall down laughing. he was perfect for what i needed at the time.

i had so much hope and excitement about bf back then, now i just have pain.

fuck, my heart hurts. funny thing is, he seems so distant to me the last month that i wonder if he even is still sad about us. it almost feels like he didn't feel anything. like he just shut me out of his life without any thought at all.

why am i crying? i don't know. i hate to admit it, but fuck- i'm sensitve sometimes!!! i miss him. i'm hurting. i miss the stuff we did together. i miss...i don't know, i miss what i thought i had. but i think it was more in my head than i want to admit. i don't know how much he loved me vs. how much i *wanted* him to love me.

why do i even care at this point? who the fuck knows. yet, i still do. some little part of me still does care if he's thinking about me, or misses me, or is sad.

i have not spoken to him since we broke up, which seems so long ago and sometimes seems like yesterday. i keep telling myself the pain will subside over time. sometimes i actually believe it.

pride or self-preservation?

i haven't talked to bf since we split up. i just don't know what to say. i think it hurts too much to talk to him right now.

he called on my b-day, i didn't answer. i wasn't angry, just sad. i figured it would have just hurt to talk to him.

it kind of hit me last night when i was walking home drunkity from a night out...i really miss him. i was THIS CLOSE to calling him to let him know just that. THIS CLOSE. damn that vodka!!!

this afternoon, i saw his bulliten for his upcoming show (he's in a band). my heart hurt a little knowing i would not be attending. i have no need to be the supportive gf at the show. don't get me wrong, i actually really loved going. but now, i have no reason to go. i don't even know if he would want me there. i'm sad about that.

do i really want to email him? call him? see him? or am i just lonely?

is it pride that causes me not to contact him? i am a stubborn girl, i can hold out 'till the end of the earth if i'm motivated enough. is it pride? not sure.

or is it better for me to avoid seeing him? am i strong enough to see him & not want to get back together with him? it is so hard to be clear headed with love. things obviously weren't working, but i'm so fucking optimistic i always think there are solutions to problems that are better left unsolved.

is it really the best thing that i keep my distance? am i saving myself further heartache by just being strong and moving on?

fuck, i really miss him.

me and michigan

for the last year, i have been pushing my plans for going back to school. probably because i wanted things to work out soooooooooooo bad with bf.

i put my desire for education aside for my desire for a relationship. bad sandi!

well, since that was a huge factor in me staying in cali, i now have nothing keeping me here. i am now free of any obligations or ties here.

yes, i am sad about things not working out between me & bf. yes, of course. however, i cannot spend any more of my valuable time trying to fit a square peg in a round hole (so to speak). i need to look forward, instead of regretting my past.

part of my looking forward has to be the completion of my degree. it has been a goal of mine for as long as i can remember. the huge importance of having letters after my name cannot be overstated. one of the few major goals in my life- finishing school.

not just finishing any school, mind you...but finishing at university of michigan. the end all be all of university psychology programs.

for some reason, i have allowed myself to be sidetracked the last couple years. enough! what has caused my delay to returning?

i guess i was (and still am a little) afraid i couldn't do it alone. am i still as smart w/o someone there telling me so??? am i still as gifted and creative if i don't have a guy there encouraging me? the answer is a resounding YES!

the time has come for me to stand on my own, to accomplish the biggest goal in my life. it is time i take the leap of faith and venture out to do something so monumental...alone.

i need noone to hold my hand any more. i don't need a cheerleader telling me i'm smart or i can do it. i am my own cheerleader and hand-holder. i don't need a guy to support me or walk me to class. i can creatively support myself to go to school & finance my education. i do not need a man. i can walk to class solo, head held high in realization that i am accomplishing something greater than myself. i will be an example, hopefully a motivation to other girls that YES you can do whatever you set your mind to. ah, i can hope-right???

the wheels are already in motion, the task is already started. no turning back now. i am both thrilled and scared out of my mind. yet, i will not allow my brain to wander around the thoughts of "what if" and "can i?". i will, instead, focus on how far i've come and how far i will go.

prior to this, going back to school was more of an abstract idea. "maybe SOMEday i will finish" or "i hope ONEday i'll go back"...well, those days are over. i have replaced them with "i WILL be going back to school" and "i AM going to u-m to get my degree, no matter what". day-dreaming has been replaced with concrete plans.

now, i am faced with the task of financing such a journey...one that will be, no doubt, an expensive one. yet, for some reason, i am no longer fearful. i am at peace. i have confidence i can do it. a way will become clear to me. buddha i am not, yet i do feel quite zen. i feel as if i have found my zest and motivation i have so sorely missed the last year or so. i don't know how i am going to do it, but i just know i will. i am confident my path will be clear soon enough.

how long i have waited for this feeling! the feeling that i can do something so grand, by myself, no less. yes, of course, a partner would be optimal...but i will do it no matter what. time to put the blinders on & focus on the task.

but for now, i will put my tired brain to bed with dreams of michigan. go blue!

happy birthday to me... the end of my 20s

here i am on the eve of my 30th birthday. not a twinge on self-pity as my single self does whatever i damn well please. i am prepping by drinking half a bottle of peach champagne and a over-the-top gooey chocolate lava cake.

who am i spending the night with? why, only the most important being in my life- my dog. (he celebrates me everyday, so may 27th hold no special place for him.) i passed on plans & invites with gfs & family to just spend the day quiet, focused and purposeful. i am getting ready for my next stage in life.

i will spend today doing what i want, when i want, how i want. i will relish in the joy of going to bed at whatever hour i please, leaving my clothes all over the floor, eating cake in bed and watching tv until the wee hours of the morning.

i will start fresh tomorrow by implementing all those new plans i concocted.

for the first time in a while, i feel good. really good.

easy to feel, hard to say. i love you.

i love you. simple phrase. easy to feel, sometimes the hardest thing to say.

i felt like a begging puppy, when someone was eating steak. waiting. starving for those words. let down when he let the opportunity to say them slip by. i was obsessed with the idea of having someone love me. i felt like something was wrong with me that i never heard that phrase. i felt pathetic.

bf could never say "i love you". that simple thing was a deal breaker for me. in the course of our 9 month relationship he probably said it no more than 8 times. it ripped out my heart everytime i said it first and he barely responded with "love ya too".

so why the fuck did i stay???

i think i got so used to that starving feeling i didn't realize i was slowing wasting away. i wanted him to love me so bad that i was blind to the fact that he just couldn't. i just wanted that feeling of being loved so bad that i stuck around for those little glimpses of that.

looking back, that was a very good lesson. i cannot afford to have that happen to me again. i am alot smarter now. this experience has both set me back in my plans AND given me a big wakeup call at the same time.

i cannot wait around for a guy to grace me with his love. i need to find it other places.

i love me.

eye candy everywhere

when i'm in a relationship it's like i have blinders on. i don't notice men around me. all my attention is on the guy i'm in love with. this last guy was no exception. i was all about him when we were together.

now, i am a s.i.n.g.l.e. girl and my brain has taken notice of all the attractive men around me. there's a LOT of them out there! i forgot.

not that i have any interest in doing anything with any of them. my heart still needs to heal from the last one. i just enjoy looking.

last night i went out for drinks with a buddy from work. there was a table of 3 good looking sandi-type guys next to us that i couldn't help noticing. the one i dubbed "tie guy" kept looking at me, dispite my not-so-cute after work look i had going on. hmmm... so my buddy says let's invite him over to our table. i quicly reply "noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo". i explain that my heart isn't into anyone else right now...just not interested.

in some ways, i think it'd be disrespectful to the bf if i was all after dudes like three days after we broke up. i think it would hurt him. and that's just not my style. the botom line is- i may enjoy looking but i need time to heal.

lessons

lessons. something you desperately need but spend most of your time running away from.

i am a huge believer in things are put in your life for a reason, things are put in front of you to make you learn a lesson. it's our job as humans to figure out WHAT those lessons are. if you don't figure them out, you will be forced to get hit over the head with them over and over until you just say "ok, universe, I GET IT!".

all the semingly negative things that have happened in my life definitely taught me lessons. the times where i had the biggest growth in my life...those came out of tragedy/sorrow/pain/dispair.

so how does this relate to my current situation?

i find myself single, after being in a sub-par relationship for the last 9 months. i was a great gf. for the first time in my life i felt like i could hold up my end of the partnership deal. i felt like i could give my heart to someone without all the worries that plagued me in the past. i felt like i finally was healed from the last guys to fully be present with this one. i did all the things i couldn't do in the last years of my life. when it comes down to it, i gave all of myself without hesitation. regardless of bf's ability to reciprocate, at least i know i did my best.

yes, i did end up getting very hurt. yes, i did try hard to make something work that just wasn't meant to be. yes. that's the bad news.

although i am still hurting right now, i know i will get through this a smarter, stronger chick. i have learned some huge lessons about who i am and what i deserve. i keep telling myself that the pain will end & it will all be a blessing in disguise. that's the good news.

the day after

breakup #2 with bf. still fucking hurts like a goddamn mother fucker.

i am sad. sad. sad. sadness and hurt is slowly giving way to anger. i'm angry at bf for treating me like shit. i'm angry he can't love me & give me what i need. i'm angry at myself for accepting less than i deserve. i'm just angry at everything.

just all the little shitty things bf did (or didn't do) are coming into my mind. never buying me flowers. hardly ever telling me i'm pretty or he loves me. doing nothing for valentine's day (true he was out of town on the 14th, but he still could have done something on the 15th!). i have a b-day next week, & i'm sure he wasn't planning on doing anything for it.

wtf was i thinking? what happened to me that i would accept this treatment???

i hate him. but at the same time i miss him terribly. i still love that asshole.

on my own again

i guess it was inevitable. i guess the short term fix was too good to be true. i guess i'm on my own again. ugh. i spent the last 9 months in a relationship, i started to get used to being someone's gf. now i am just me.

bf had told me last week he was moving next year (and NOT inviting me). he made it pretty clear, without words, that i didn't have a place in his life. his actions spoke so loudly i cannot believe i didn't hear it. his behavior was quite simple- i was not important in his life, i did not matter, there was no future with me.

i had made a decision that i needed to eliminate everything in my life that is not congruent with my ideal life. first task, i needed to do something about my relationship...or what i *called* a relationship. the complaining, negativity and ever present anger where not something i could deal with from a partner. it was bad.

it had gotten so bad in fact, that just earlier this week i was in tears due to the brash treatment i got from bf. when i told him i'm not dealing with that any more, he just brushed me off saying he had to go to work. that night, i talked to him about it, saying i would not accept that treatment again. he jsut said sorry, and he didn't even realize how he was acting. in the back of my mind, i knew he wouldn't change. my stomach sank.

then later on in the week, we went out & had a great time. he acted loving and sweet. was i just being paranoid? should i keep trying to fix this relationship? maybe. but then i came to reality. my heart was breaking before i even made a conscious decision.

i went over to bf's house last night, with the intent to break things off. i knew deep down that things were never going to change, as much as i wished they would. things were weird, i felt it coming. i couldn't even get into the sex. i had to stop in the middle & blurt out what i had on my mind.

"i am concerned about you moving", i said as i held my breath for what i figured was inevitable.

he explained how he felt himself pulling away, since we were just going to break up when he moved anyway.

i let it all out, since i figured i had nothing to lose anyway. i bawled as i told him how shitty he treated me, how much he hurt me, how all the little things added up to making me feel like junk, how him never telling me he loved me ripped my heart out. he just sat there saying "i know, i'm sorry". i guess he had no excuse. that is how he is.

my feelings alternated between wanting to hug him & wanting to punch him. can i fault him for not giving me what he doesn't have? can i expect him to treat me in a way that he never experienced? i don't know. i go back & forth. if he isn't capable of loving me & being close to me, can i really be angry about that?

i am not sure if i am justified, but now i do feel angry.

for some reason i have my rose-colored glasses GLUED on my face so tightly i can't see the true nature of someone i love. looking back, my bf actually was a jerk! he didn't treat me like i deserve. i was a great gf & did not get the same treatment in return. ouch. ripping off those glasses HURT!

i just have to pick myself up, dust myself off & go forward. hopefully there is a guy out there that will be able to give me what bf never could- his heart.

breaking up as a relationship fix?

things have been going really great w/bf & i. we are getting along great, having fun, feeling in love again. it seems like the relationship has a new life that was born out of our breaking up.

bf seems to be appreciating me, and making an effort to improve things with us.

i still have concerns but hopefully those will slowly work themselves out. i'm still holding back, not allowing myself to get too close. but we'll see.

business life

after about a year of working my ass off, my little biz is FINALLY taking off. fuck ya, bitches!!! soon, i will be one rich chica!

it seems as if all the "no's" i have been hearing had just magically turned into "yes's". it seems, seriously, over night. funny, the turning point seemed to be the breaking up w/the bf. it kind of was a wake up call that i needed to give a little more effort into my biz to make it kick ass.

well, my time is here now. my hours of work seem to be paying off with more requests for events than i can even handle! i get a few a day! it is april now, and my calandar for june is almost all booked up!!!

if this keeps up, i will be back on track w/my 6 figure income goal in no time!

my good deed count for today: 2 1/2

good deed #1:
i took my pup to the dog beach yesterday. while enjoying the sunny weather, i tripped over a half-burried cell phone. picking it up & dusting it off, i continue on my walk down the coast. i page through the recently called numbers in the phone & call the one that says "home".

"uh, this is random but do you know who's phone this is?", i asked.
"omg, it's MY phone!", the voice on the other line explained.
"well, i found it on the beach. want to come meet me & pick it up?"

she thanked me over and over. "no prob", i replied. when we met, she insisted i take a reward. i firmly refused, requesting only that she passes on the good deed. ya, ya, kinda like that movie.

good deed #2 & 2 1/2:
at about 4:30am i hear this crazy cat screaching outside my window. i get up to see which cat it is (a neighbor had lost her cat & had been constantly combing the area for it). i was hoping it was the lost cat, and in my sleepy state i think it was. i bend down to the crawl space under the house, where the cat ran, and make kissy-kissy-here-kitty-kitty sounds. no response from "clyde" the cat. i wasn't able to continue my effots because i was interupted by the sounds of a girl crying muttering what a mess she was to herself. (aw, come on, i had to feel kinda sorry for her. who hasn't felt like that at one point or anyother? but i don't tend to make it a public display.)

i peek around the building, "hey, you ok hon?" i ask the bawling semi-drunk chick. i think she said no, but it was hard to determine through her heaving sobs. the story was her drunk friends took off & she had no way to get home. although i'm altruistic, i'm not stupid. i told her i couldn't give her a ride home b/c i had some wine already. sue me- i lied! but i did call her a cab & wait outside with her until it arrived. she kept thanking me while she said she needed to get her shit together. poor girl. when i left i told her to take care of herself.

do i have a bf or no?

it has been two weeks since the bf and i broke up. but we aren't really broken up. it's weird. i've never really had this experience before...it's always been "goodbye" and i've moved on, never looking back, never regretting. this guy is different.

we split on a thursday, by tuesday i emailed asking to come get my stuff. i was dying but figured i had more to say so i better get it out. so i get my stuff, and we got it all out on the table. when did you fall out of love with me? why did you get so dependent? i think i'm going through a mid-life crisis. i'm in a funk. did i cause this? can we still be friends? what now? i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry.

the night ended with us snuggling all night, not knowing what the future held.

dafodils don't buy themselves, ya know!

i bouht myself some dafodils yesterday. flowers always seem to make my tiny studio a little bit brighter. note to self- i need to get a guy who buys me flowers.

old bfs & men are coming out of the woodwork

for some odd reason, a handful of old bfs decided to contact me no less than a week from my split from the last one. what, do they read my blog???

one guy, who i barely dated a month or two. it was not memorable enough for me to even remember. he started sending me messages on myspace. so weird.

another i dated a while ago when i was in san fran, just "dropped an email to say hi". hmmm...

i have been focusing on my fitness & health lately. i got some highlights, lost some weight, got some sun...basically looking like a hot mama! plus the attitude shift of "life sucks" to "life is great, i'm a great catch!"

that said, the men of long beach seem to be noticing! ha!

i went to brunch on a weekend with some gfs. no joke- a guy walked up to my table & asked for my number, saying i was "so gorgeous". wowza, that's such an ego boost.

i was searching the frozen food section in trader joe's, a guy came over to ask my opinion on a pizza and then segued into "what do you do that you can be shopping in the middle of the day?". i'm on a roll!

of course i had to tell bf (ya, we are still hanging out & who knows what we are doing). i needed to make him aware that there were a LOT of guys out there who think i'm hot shit. bf said they can smell fresh meat. maybe.

i want an apple tree climber

i saw this post online, thought it was cute. i am a top-of-the-tree apple! from this day forward i will only date guys who are not afraid to climb a tree!

****

The Apple Tree
For everyone who is feeling down when they are alone...Girls are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree. Most guys don’t want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they sometimes go for the apples near the ground because they are easy. The apples at the top think something is wrong with them; in reality, they are amazing. They just have to wait for the right guy to come along, the one who is brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree.

broken hearts suck

is the pain ever going to end? i'm sure it will. in the meantime i'm stuck mending a broken heart the confusion and loneliness that goes along with it. the pain from ending a relationship has to be the worst feeling in the world. i now realize why people stay when they should go- just to avoid the pain. right about now, it seems like a good idea.

i really thought i had some clear direction lately and it turns out it was fantasy. i wanted something, anything, to believe in so bad i just made it out of whatever i had in front of me. i'm mourning for not only what i had, but what could have been.

one day down

it's been about 24 hrs since the bf & i broke up. my heart is killing, i feel like i'm going to die. fuck, relationships hurt!!!

every little thing makes me think of bf. i miss my buddy most of all. i miss the sex. i miss the way things used to be.

i am fighting the urge to pick up the phone and call him. nooooo sandi! bad girl. i'm going to go throw back some tequillia to hopefully erase my mind a little.

ouch says my heart

it's been a few hours since the bf & i offically ended things. now i will admit i am two sheets to the wind at the moment (negro modelo and xanax are my buddies this evening), so who the fuck knows what the hell i'm saying. ugh, stuff just sucks ass right now. i seriously don't know if i have the strength to go through heartbreak again. (i guess i have no choice, huh?) ha, ya that's what i thought 7 months ago when i first felt the twinge of ga-ga over the bf (for lack of a better term, i will still call him bf in the next blog or two) yet i still soldiered on into almost certain heartache. "run away", i told myself. but i don't listen to myself, obviously. i had a gross feeling that things were doomed from the start with us but i overlooked it because he was such a cool guy & i really wanted a bf. stupid girl.

i've been feeling it for a couple months now. slowly things started to fall apart. i knew i didn't like to have to remind my bf to tell me he loved me & i knew things sucked when i had to convince myself that i was asking too much for him to tell me i was special... i just figured things would change. for fuck's sake- i even COUNTED the days between him telling me he loved me. jesus- what a mess! i even gave him little time-lines in my head...ok, if he doesn't shape up in the next week, i'm out. ya right. i'm a fucking glutton for punishment, i'll stay even when i tell myself i'm leaving.

sometimes i feel somehow responsible for the bf falling out of love with me. things were great, super great even. then he realized how much of a mess i am...then things changed. he said he thought i was flakey (which i am) and me quitting my latest in the string of shitty jobs was the straw that broke the camel's back. he didn't think things would ever change with us. it kills me. i should have hidden more of who i am.

who am i kidding? he is flawed, and contributed just as much dysfunction to the relationship as i did. i just never had the guts to express my thoughts of us splitting up.

seeing him cry made my heart ache even more. i hurt someone i love and care deeply about. i caused someone pain. i asked if he was sure, 100% sure, that he wasn't into it any more. the knife twisted. "it's not working for me", he answered. he told me he loved me, kissed my head, and said he doesn't want me to shut him out of my life. i still love him, that's the horrible excrutiating part of the whole clusterfuck. I LOVE this stupid jackass who broke my heart. i love this totally imperfect guy who...who just seemed to make things make sense to me.

jesus christ, committed the cardinal sin of women- i put the guy ahead of all else. why did i do that again? it's so against my nature as an independent girl. fuck! i am sooooo not like that. i almost changed my michigan plans because i thought he was worth it, i passed on invites to things to hang out with him, i did all that stupid girl shit that i chide my gfs for doing. I DID IT ALL! now i'm left in a city i don't want to be in, with no job, no friends and pretty much no direction. god i hate life right now.

but now i will go to bed and hope tomorrow is just a fraction easier than today.