my hindsight 20/20 vision

i feel a little naseous as i type this. a mixture of nostaligia and realization fills my brain.

i was cleaning out a closet at my mom's place & found a handful of letters i wrote to my ex (who i was with from age 20-25.5). there was such a repetative theme in them i cannot believe i did not see that back then. what can i say? i was young & dumb.

what was the reoccuring theme? pretty much the issues of my committment-phobia & anti-kid sentiments. while i have tackled the fear of attachment/committment, my anti-kid feelings still remain strong.

i wrote over & over apologizing for not being ready to marry him & not really knowing when i would be. i wrote about not being sure about kids and how he needed to stop pressuring me to make a decision regarding this topic. i wrote about how i loved him but felt like i couldn't be what he wanted. i wrote about needing space & time to sort things out before getting married.

ugh, i can't believe what a dumbass i was in my early 20s.