dammit, i gotta stop this

i have a bad habit that i really need to stop doing. maybe more like lifestyle choice. whatever i call it, i think it's time for me to knock it off. i go into it thinking it will be cool and fun, then afterwards am pissed that i backslid and did it again. i can't seem to stop myself.

what is that i speak of? what can be effecting me so much that i have made a conscious choice to redirect my behavior and ask for a "do-over"?

i keep hooking up w/guys.

more specifically, i keep hooking up w/guys that are not my bf or that i'm even interested in a relationship with. and the ones i am vaguely interested in, i sleep with them too soon. it keeps messing with my head. fuck! why do i do this time & time again?

for instance, the radio guy...not really interested in a relationship with him at all. there are too many red flags. yet, i still sleep with him. or shall i say, slept. i'm over it & doubt i will hang out with him again. there's way too much crap that goes along with the fun, no thanks. i don't think i'm that excited about being viewed as a sex object by a local quasi-celeb. but even though i have zero desire to persue anything with him, i am still drawn to listening to the show to see if he's talking about other girls. ahhh- too much drama for me. i was silly to think anything normal could have came of it.

then there's this other guy. i can describe him at least as a friend w/benefits and at most a friend. he came to a bbq at my place this weekend. although it was not a date situation whatsoever, i still felt some buried stirrings for him as we flirted. it is a confusing thing, as he is very charming. since we met three years ago, i have always had some small thing for him. yet, i thought it was contained. dammit. my feelings crept up as i listened to him telling stories about some of our scandalous times together. must. not. like. him. i then find out he has a gf or ex or whatever you call it. supposedly, it's an ex- yet it has to be secret that we hang out. wtf! i guess it's my fault for not asking, but why would i? do i even have any right to be upset? either way, i need to keep things platonic with him.

so in these two situations, i slept w/the guy on the first date/night. i figured i was the exception to the rule that things don't work if you do that. i ignored my friends' advice saying girls can't seperate sex & feelings. or maybe i was thinking i didn't care. yet now i find myself pissed off and sad but not really sure why.

all i know is, i gotta stop this.