ugh, i'm done

i have reached the point where i do not care any more. it saddens me to think i can do nothing else to "fix" someone who is so severely ill that she is a danger to herself. who am i speaking of? my mom, of course.

i write this at midnight, after her friends just called to alert me of her drunk driving. great. just how i want to spend my saturday night...worried my mom will kill someone or herself due to her complete drunken oblivion.

this is not something new. i have been picking up the pieces after her for as long as i can remember. she gets drunk, i cover for her, i pick up her messes. classic case of enabling. well, i'm done.

i have been dealing with horrible guilt that goes along with cutting someone out of your life that you feel attached to. realize, i said "attached to", not love. i do not think i love my mother any more, just feel a sense of obligation and duty to care for her. how long can i go on sacrificing my own health and sanity for the false hope that *someday* she might get better.

now, i am an optimist. i believe the best in people. i have been hoping for my whole life my mom would change & finally get her shit together. now, at age 30, i think i have opened my eyes to the realization that that will never happen.

yes, i've been saying that i was done for how many years now? when will i learn??? with encouragement from my gfs, i feel finally ready to sever this grossly unhealthy relationship.

fuck. it feels like the best thing and the worst all at once.