nope, still not friends...are we?

ugh. i can't think of anything more torturous than a break-up. even in the current case, where i have ZERO desire to be with him any more, it still hurts. i don't know why i'm upset over a guy i really don't want in the first place.

i guess i've never stopped *hoping* he'd be the guy i wanted. yes, i can see all your heads shaking when you read this. guys don't change. no matter how much you want them to, no matter hard you try...not gonna happen.

even after i declared i didn't want to be friends w/the X, i ended up sleeping with him. i'm NOT doing a good job here.

i initially went over there just to get my shit & tell him to take a short walk off a long pier. it was so akward, he kept trying to pump information out of me, "what's wrong, hon?".

i gave the standard girl answer- "nothing, i'm fine."

we ended up talking, which led to laughing, which led to making out, which led to sex.

fuck! i need to find someone else to have sex with so i don't keep hurting myself. i still get a twinge of pain when i am with X, remebering when i was full of hope for our relationship and thinking this may be the guy.

i am torn between sadness and complete apathy, occasionally i feel hatred and despise, though for what reason i cannot yet identify.

we have exchanged a few emails but have not seen each other. the feelings are dimming, but still there. the sexual chemistry is still there, and that's what is most dangerous.

no. more. seeing. him.