disillusioned by men...yet again

ugh, i go back & forth about the realities of dating & dealing with men. i try, really hard, i do. i try to stay optimistic about my future. i'm not walloing in self-pitty, i'm attempting to live a great full life as a fantasticly cool chick who just happens to be single. i keep telling myself that there is a great guy out there for me, that i'm a great catch, that the last guy just didn't deserve me. ya, that's dandy...but i'm still on the verge of tears at the moment when thinking of the latest situations that have added up into this feeling of aloneness and failure.

i had a long chat w/my gf last night about this subject. she is a couple years older than i am & is feeling hopeless in the single situation she's in since she wants marriage, babies and all that crap. she claims i "at least had bfs in the past" and it was better than "being single for the last 6 years". i don't know what is "better", losing love or never having it in the first place.

i say both suck. where do i even begin? i'm having difficulty forming thoughts at the moment. fucking men!!!!

let's see...so many disappointing men, so little time. i think my one last shred of hope that men are decent was shattered today while walking to startbucks. i called my ex J (the one I was with for 6 years), just wanting to chat & hoping he'd have something nice to say to cheer me up. He said something about how he gave his old gf a car. I replied that it must be nice to have a guy buy you a car & i wish i ever had a bf that would buy me stuff like that. He snapped back "let's not start that again, i explained it". whatever, dude. buy her a fucking car, i don't care. never talk to me again, i don't care. i suddenly got really pissed at him for "failing" me, for disappointing me and for not being able to live up to his end of the deal. i don't know where all this anger came from, i thought i had dealt with it. but guess not. the convo ended with me saying "uh, let's talk another time, you don't seem to be being too nice to me". why was i so stupid to think i could go back to a past situation? no! stupid girl!

i went out on a date a day ago. i had a fantastic time with the guy (the same guy i've hung out w/a couple times and went skinny dipping with). we ended up making out on the beach. i was semi-excited that perhaps this could turn into something. if i could just get over his inconsideration and flakyness. i text'd him a quick "thanks & i had fun" message yesterday morning. no response. i text'd saying "hey, dork, the proper ettiqette when someone text's you thanks is to repond with you're welcome". his response- "you're welcome". fuck him! bummer, i actually liked him. his loss. if only i could believe that whole-heartedly at the moment. i will not return his call, IF he ever does again. jerk!

and the recent X bf...he's moving out of state, which is a blessing in disguise i think. i'm still not completely over the situation and he still enrages me on occasion. why? who the hell knows. i think the feeling of him seeming to be over me so quickly after we split up. that is a blow to my ego. we are attempting to be friends, but it's so damn hard. i just end up remembering why i fell in love with him in the first place and then wanting to scream at him "WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU? WHY COULDN'T YOU LOVE ME? WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME???" until my throat is raw.

i'm starting to feel like it's ME, not the guys. what is wrong with ME that all the guys in the world don't realize what a fucking prize i am? *sigh* at least i have my little four-legged men to tell me how rad i am.