how NOT to be "just friends"

it started off completely friendly. i called the ex & asked if he wanted to go to the dog park & hang out last night. there were no alterior motives, none at all. i simply enjoy his company & we are good friends. end of story...so i thought.



we had a nice time at the dog park. our little dogs had a nice time. it was a strange situation...sometimes felt like just friends, sometimes more. i have never attempted to be friend w/an ex, so this is new territory for me. (side note: the ex is a pretty rad dude so i have been willing to try to make it work.) i thought he looked cute, just from work & all scruffy. there were times were he said something funny, and i felt this strong desire to kiss him. there were other times when i thought to myself, "i'm glad we are not going out, he is not the right guy for me". he is so familiar, there were times i almost forgot we broke up. we'd hug for way longer than was "friendly", we'd touch each other with an ease that was more than "friendly". i guess that is a normal reaction, but all these feelings are something i am still not accustomed to dealing with. familiar but different.



when we left, he gave me my b-day gift. after hugging him for a while i gave him a peck on the lips, which turned into a real kiss, which turned into us gropping each other & making out in the dog park parking lot like we were two horny teenagers. i missed the physical part of our relationship. feeling him press his hardness up against me made me question my prior decision to not sleep with him (i even skipped shaving to help avoid the temptation). he asked if i wanted to go back to his place, "just for a beer" which translated into "want to come back to my place to fuck?". a few key phrases whispered in my ear as he kissed my neck & i complied.



back it his house it was business as usual. an hour of amazing hot & sweaty sex, just as great as i remembered it. better, i think, due to the newness of it.



after, we layed there snuggling and talking. again, it felt familiar but different. so strange. it felt good to lay on his chest with him playing with my hair, like when we were together. it was better, though, because i had no expectations of anything. there was no feelings of doubt, like maybe i shouldn't have split up w/him. i just felt at peace. things were good between us, i didn't feel hurt or confused any more...just at peace. it gave me a little closure i needed, i can move on. i loved him but felt i could love him differently now, i can see the situation for what it is.



we go to dinner. the conversation had been winding down, and i realized my date for this weekend had called, my mind wandered...the mind is a very strange thing, it can trick itself into thinking situations are different than they are, just by the desire of having it be so. maybe we didn't have that much to say to each other once the sexual chemistry was out of the way. i think i *wanted* the ex to be great for me, so i made him be. i don't know if any of it was real, looking back. who knows.



the subject of conversation got on making prank phone calls. i lamented how sad i was that cell phones make it next to impossible to make prank calls anymore (side note: i am a huge jokester by nature, and prank calls are just the tip of iceburg). he said there's a way to block your cell number so the person receiving the call won't know the number. neither of us knew exactly *how* to do this, we just knew it existed. i said it was *71. he claimed it was *86.



so we each dial our respected numbers & then the other's phone number. nothing happened. maybe we didn't do it right.



ten minutes later i get a phone call from a number i didn't recognize. i check the voicemail...when i hear the messege my eyes widen & i squeek out "uh, X, i think this was meant for you". he looked confused. i explain what i heard...



"hey X, this is angela. are you fucking kelly right now? i think you should fuck kelly since you guys have so much sexual tension. i think she likes you. she told me she liked those neil diamond green boxers you had on. love you."



oh my fucking god, who the fuck? what the fuck? why the fuck? how the fuck? i was seriously freaked out.



X looked like the cat that ate the canary. he apologized over and over, claiming to feel like "the biggest dickhead on the planet" and "a total douchebag". i felt a little gross. even though we have been split up for two months, i am out dating & i am totally not interested in dating him, it still panged my heart a little to have audial proof of him moving on after me.



ya know what happened??? instead of blocking his number, X FORWARDED his calls to my number. so i got the drunk dials from some ho-bag talking about my old bf's underwear!!!



this would only happen to ME! ha, i actually found it funny after giving him shit for an hour or so. i asked him if he wanted me to call that girl back & tell her how good he is in bed. he cringed, then laughed and said "uh, i think i got it under control".



X apologized over and over about how lame he was & how he'd never want to hurt me. i said it's ok, and meant it. the pain had faded away to nostaliga mixed with sadness and a bright outlook for the future.



i asked if he was sure we could be friends. i told him i was willing to try if he was. he said absolutely. he said "for only been split up for 2 months, we are doing pretty good". ya know, i think he's right. we *are* doing as best as can be expected for an weird situation. i joked that we couldn't get naked together again if we were to be "just friends", he nodded. as much as i love having sex with him, i cannot allow myself to get caught up in anything bad for my mental health. i love him, but i love myself more.



will we stay friends? probably. i hope so. i care about him enough to try to put my ego aside.



i hugged & kissed him goodbye, knowing that i am only going forward.