i jump for you, you don't jump for me

ya know how once in a while someone tells you something casually and it realy sticks to you?they weren't meaning it like that, but it still repeated over and over in your brain. ocassionally that happens to me with friends of mine. i consider the houseboy my friend now, i see him everyday and have grown fond of him. yes, i'm attracted to him but it's not gonna go there. first off, he works for my mom (which is just too close for comfort). second, he is 24. third, he is just not in the place mentally for any type of relationship thing & neither am i, so why start something if you can't finish it?

but houseboy does seem to be a lot wiser than his 24 years. we were hanging out last night in our usual routine...he cooks dinner while i sit at the counter with my laptop working (or pretending to). we got to chatting about sacrifices needed to maintain good relationships and he made a comment about us. "i always jump for you, but you don't jump for me". meaning, he gives a lot to me (even as friends) but i don't reciprocate equally. ouch. i responded with a meek "i'm sorry, i'll try harder" which he brushed off with a "don't worry about it" then changed the subject.

damn. he's right. i hate when a guy is right about me! i really am not giving as much as i'm taking lately with men, or perhaps everyone. it was a needed wakeup call.

due to my relationship past, i have been hesitant to trust a guy yet. i don't think i'm in the frame of mind for a bf, just due to the fact that i just can't give a guy what i think they deserve in that sort of set-up. one day, i'm sure i won't have this problem. but for the moment, i do. that said, it's one more thing to add to my list.