HUMP DAY advice 4-26-06
i have graciously acquiesced to the many request that issuegirl do any advice column (ok, like one person begged for it). and what more suitable day than my favorite? that's right kiddies- it's HUMP DAY! got an issue you want help with? email me at issuegirl1234@aol.com & i'll tell you what to do about it. or maybe i'll just make fun of you for having the problem in the first place. either way, hopefully it will be entertaining.
much like my personality, my advice is neither sugarcoated nor serious...and defintely not for the timid. much like butt sex. it may hurt at first, but if you relax you just may get into it.
- love issuegirl
onto our first victim, shall we? ps for my first column i am paraphrasing, since my gf is an unknowing participant in my experiment here.
***
my gf michelle asked
"how you meet so many men? i'm ready to get back into the dating scene & i need some help getting dates."
the world is my buffet, michelle, and i am a willing overeater. anyone over 18 with a penis is fair game in my book. i love men & i think they pick up on that vibe. sure, some jealous girls call me "slut" or "easy"- but, hey, who's getting laid every night (and usually with a few of their bfs at once)? i think it comes down to pretty much taking anyone up on their offer. you have to have an openmind if you're gonna go jump out in the dating pool, ya know? let's look at your approach, shall we? if you are like 99% of the girls out there, you do something along the standard "hi, i'm so-and-so" for your opening line. BORING! guys like originality, creativity and some brazen sluttiness. if you're out there & see a guy, why not just walk right up and announce "i'm not wearing panties" or "i have no gag reflex". no man in his right mind would not ask for your number! easy as pie!!! also, an old standby of mine, particularly useful on a slow night at a bar-write your phone number on your (worn) panties & leave them in the men's room. pretty soon your phone will be ringing off the hook. i admit, i was a little shy when i got into dating. so my best pick-up line was "i'm 25 & still a virgin. can you help me out?" you can totally use that & say you made it up.
how to trap a gent? first thing, love...try lowering your standards. you'd be amazed at how many more do-able guys there are out there if you just settle. if you usuall date 9s, time to start trying the 4s on for size. keep an eye out for the less attractive ones- they would give their left nut to hook up with a hottie like you. if you need assistance in hooking fuglies (since it IS hard to get the hang of at first), try tequila, lots & lots of tequila. also, unemployed guys have less women after them so the odds are much more in your favor. after all, dating is just a numbers game. pretty soon you'll be batting 1000!
when out and about, bitchiness always reals in the big fish. you have to have the mindset that the fucker would be LUCKY to talk to you. give them attitude- remember, guys love a chase. be aloof, seem uniterested, wear a wedding ring. heaven help the poor schmuck who approaches you! shortly after employing the uninterested facade you will have men falling down at your feet professing their undying love. if you keep it up just a little longer, you can usually get some jewelry or shoes out of the deal, in my experience.
for the price of two martinis i will get you enough dates to keep you booked for at least a good week or so. my approach is usually something like "hey my friend is really desperate and would probably put out if you tell her she has pretty eyes". a classic but it works every time!
good luck, michelle and keep me posted. muah!!!
much like my personality, my advice is neither sugarcoated nor serious...and defintely not for the timid. much like butt sex. it may hurt at first, but if you relax you just may get into it.
- love issuegirl
onto our first victim, shall we? ps for my first column i am paraphrasing, since my gf is an unknowing participant in my experiment here.
***
my gf michelle asked
"how you meet so many men? i'm ready to get back into the dating scene & i need some help getting dates."
the world is my buffet, michelle, and i am a willing overeater. anyone over 18 with a penis is fair game in my book. i love men & i think they pick up on that vibe. sure, some jealous girls call me "slut" or "easy"- but, hey, who's getting laid every night (and usually with a few of their bfs at once)? i think it comes down to pretty much taking anyone up on their offer. you have to have an openmind if you're gonna go jump out in the dating pool, ya know? let's look at your approach, shall we? if you are like 99% of the girls out there, you do something along the standard "hi, i'm so-and-so" for your opening line. BORING! guys like originality, creativity and some brazen sluttiness. if you're out there & see a guy, why not just walk right up and announce "i'm not wearing panties" or "i have no gag reflex". no man in his right mind would not ask for your number! easy as pie!!! also, an old standby of mine, particularly useful on a slow night at a bar-write your phone number on your (worn) panties & leave them in the men's room. pretty soon your phone will be ringing off the hook. i admit, i was a little shy when i got into dating. so my best pick-up line was "i'm 25 & still a virgin. can you help me out?" you can totally use that & say you made it up.
how to trap a gent? first thing, love...try lowering your standards. you'd be amazed at how many more do-able guys there are out there if you just settle. if you usuall date 9s, time to start trying the 4s on for size. keep an eye out for the less attractive ones- they would give their left nut to hook up with a hottie like you. if you need assistance in hooking fuglies (since it IS hard to get the hang of at first), try tequila, lots & lots of tequila. also, unemployed guys have less women after them so the odds are much more in your favor. after all, dating is just a numbers game. pretty soon you'll be batting 1000!
when out and about, bitchiness always reals in the big fish. you have to have the mindset that the fucker would be LUCKY to talk to you. give them attitude- remember, guys love a chase. be aloof, seem uniterested, wear a wedding ring. heaven help the poor schmuck who approaches you! shortly after employing the uninterested facade you will have men falling down at your feet professing their undying love. if you keep it up just a little longer, you can usually get some jewelry or shoes out of the deal, in my experience.
for the price of two martinis i will get you enough dates to keep you booked for at least a good week or so. my approach is usually something like "hey my friend is really desperate and would probably put out if you tell her she has pretty eyes". a classic but it works every time!
good luck, michelle and keep me posted. muah!!!
posted by issuegirl at 3:25 AM
1 Comments:
This is funny. It seems to mirror my own attitude towards dating. For example, I submit for your approval, a recent letter that I have written:
Dear increasingly attractive woman,
I came very close to making a pass at you today. While I have not been attracted to you for the majority of time I've known you, I find myself desiring you more and more the longer I go without any sex or female companionship. Your annoying habits are easier to ignore, your odd features seem to blur, and your shitty attitude more closely matches my air of pathetic desparation.
Let's face it: neither one of us is really a catch right now. "Nearby" and "available" are really the only qualities we have to offer anyone, so why not just admit it and give in to the first guy who comes along- me. I assure you, my darling, right now I am halfway seething with mildly erotic desire for you. I fantasize about taking you in my arms, pulling your body close to mine, and whispering in your ear, "You'll do for now." Think of the hours upon hours of vaguely satisfying sexual activities we could engage in! Think of the amazing substances we'll ingest in a failed attempt to drive off feelings of dissapointment and resignation! Think of all the magnificently sexy people we'll imagine we're with! (full disclosure: I'll be thinking about some of your friends) I honestly believe it could be the greatest relationship either one of us has ever settled for.
Though I missed my chance with you today, I am certain we will be together someday, my momentarily acceptable love bunny. Probably when I'm drunk.
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