me and michigan

for the last year, i have been pushing my plans for going back to school. probably because i wanted things to work out soooooooooooo bad with bf.

i put my desire for education aside for my desire for a relationship. bad sandi!

well, since that was a huge factor in me staying in cali, i now have nothing keeping me here. i am now free of any obligations or ties here.

yes, i am sad about things not working out between me & bf. yes, of course. however, i cannot spend any more of my valuable time trying to fit a square peg in a round hole (so to speak). i need to look forward, instead of regretting my past.

part of my looking forward has to be the completion of my degree. it has been a goal of mine for as long as i can remember. the huge importance of having letters after my name cannot be overstated. one of the few major goals in my life- finishing school.

not just finishing any school, mind you...but finishing at university of michigan. the end all be all of university psychology programs.

for some reason, i have allowed myself to be sidetracked the last couple years. enough! what has caused my delay to returning?

i guess i was (and still am a little) afraid i couldn't do it alone. am i still as smart w/o someone there telling me so??? am i still as gifted and creative if i don't have a guy there encouraging me? the answer is a resounding YES!

the time has come for me to stand on my own, to accomplish the biggest goal in my life. it is time i take the leap of faith and venture out to do something so monumental...alone.

i need noone to hold my hand any more. i don't need a cheerleader telling me i'm smart or i can do it. i am my own cheerleader and hand-holder. i don't need a guy to support me or walk me to class. i can creatively support myself to go to school & finance my education. i do not need a man. i can walk to class solo, head held high in realization that i am accomplishing something greater than myself. i will be an example, hopefully a motivation to other girls that YES you can do whatever you set your mind to. ah, i can hope-right???

the wheels are already in motion, the task is already started. no turning back now. i am both thrilled and scared out of my mind. yet, i will not allow my brain to wander around the thoughts of "what if" and "can i?". i will, instead, focus on how far i've come and how far i will go.

prior to this, going back to school was more of an abstract idea. "maybe SOMEday i will finish" or "i hope ONEday i'll go back"...well, those days are over. i have replaced them with "i WILL be going back to school" and "i AM going to u-m to get my degree, no matter what". day-dreaming has been replaced with concrete plans.

now, i am faced with the task of financing such a journey...one that will be, no doubt, an expensive one. yet, for some reason, i am no longer fearful. i am at peace. i have confidence i can do it. a way will become clear to me. buddha i am not, yet i do feel quite zen. i feel as if i have found my zest and motivation i have so sorely missed the last year or so. i don't know how i am going to do it, but i just know i will. i am confident my path will be clear soon enough.

how long i have waited for this feeling! the feeling that i can do something so grand, by myself, no less. yes, of course, a partner would be optimal...but i will do it no matter what. time to put the blinders on & focus on the task.

but for now, i will put my tired brain to bed with dreams of michigan. go blue!