the ex & the not ex

Once again, horrible nightmare about J (the ex). This time we were married & I was pregnant (which is a nightmare in itself!) but I found out he had a gf on the side. I kicked their ass in my dream and woke up at 4am flustered and shaking. I was actually PISSED OFF! WTF- I DON'T WANT THIS GUY!!! Why can I not stop thinking about him? Or more accuratley, why can I not stop DREAMING about him? I don't think about him during my daily life...only when I sleep. Yuck!

I got an email from my "friend" this morning seeing how I was doing & apologizing for what happened last time we talked. We haven't talked in a few weeks, after we had a fight over the phone that continued over IM. I told him I couldn't be friends w/him & that I don't want to talk to him any more. I've felt horrible since then. I miss him. I care SO much for this guy. I don't want to be friends w/him b/c we AREN'T "just friends". But I don't want to be anything else. I don't sleep w/friends, I don't have feelings for friends. Anyway...I can't put aside my feelings for him & act like nothing is there. It hurts to hear minute details from him when all I want to hear is that he returns my feelings. I'm so lame.

Not to be cocky, but I'm sure I could have PLENTY o'men out there. I have. I'm sure I will in the future. The ONE dork that I am ga-ga head over heels about is "too scared to be in a relationship" and just wants to stay friends.

It seems sometimes that life offers me all I "could" want but nothing I ever DO.